Age 4. Phase 4.

My baby turned four on Tuesday. . . .

Perhaps you didn't hear correctly. My BABY turned four on Tuesday. On Sunday I held him close and said, "When you turn four, you'll be a big boy, and you won't be my baby anymore." I said this with some sad longing in my voice. Even in his little boy brain he could see my need for feedback of some kind. He put his perfect little arms around my neck and said, "I always your baby, Mommy. Even when I grow up and I'm super big, I be your baby forever."

Awww. . . .

Except I know better.

I know that as the youngest he probably will always hold some kind of special place in my heart, unique from the others (though they each occupy their own place too). But I know that boys grow up. Sports, friends, school, girls, mission--each in their turn will become more important than I am. Some replacements will be temporary. Others, not so much. I feel like I am standing on the edge of the next phase of my adult life.

The first phase were those single days. I find that the longer I live past that time, the more more idyllic they become! Fun and carefree days with roommates. College. Cheesy jobs. Heaps of friends. Student government. Mission. But I'm not naive. I also remember those days as being filled with a lot of loneliness, and longing--a sense of waiting for my life to begin. I think I missed a lot of joy from that time because I was always looking toward that moment in the future when I would be happy. I'm so grateful for those years that taught me about how sanctifying waiting can be, how to live with and love myself, and how to have a testimony.

Phase two is married without kids. This phase only lasted a couple of years for us. This is not a phase that has gotten more idyllic with the passage of time. It is true that we did a lot of fun things in that time, and that money wasn't as stressful as in later years (we had a whole year of two professional incomes without kids or a house payment), but we are so much more happily married now. I'm a great wife, but I was kind of a lousy newlywed. I brought too many hang-ups, and perhaps some unrealistic expectations into that most holy union.

Phase three is young kids, aka, "baby prison." I won't say much about that. After all, the blog is nearly five years old, and if you have even followed a portion of that time you know enough of my adventures in phase three.

But now . . .

There is no baby here. No diapers. Few little kid toys even hanging around. Our conversations (that don't involve shooting stuff) are actually interesting and uplifting around here. Oh, my men and still little and busy, and there are days that are just wearing physically and emotionally, but mostly I have been given my own life back. This morning I spent time sending a rather lengthy letter to a friend. I am now working on this blog post. I will probably spend time later consolidating and copying down recipes. As long as I stop to provide food, the pirates (the game of choice this morning) will probably stay pretty content.

My graduate program begins in just a few weeks. I am scrambling through my to-do list, hoping to accomplish some domestic activities before I get my feet wet. I have mentioned before that the last year or two I felt a sort of limbo--unsure about having more kids, not knowing what to do next, frustrated with a dead-end job we can't afford for me to quit, etc. etc. Now I feel like it is time to take the next step forward.

Sacrifice

In Sunday School this week our lesson was about the rich young man. You know the one--he was truly trying to keep the commandments for the right reasons, and recognized in the Savior and Individual who was perhaps more than a great rabbi. Upon asking what more he could do to follow God, the Savior, carefully considering the young man's sincerity and lifestyle, admonished him to sell all that he had, give it to the poor, and then follow the Savior.

The teacher had some fantastic quotes--one from a Protestant reformer (Wycliff, maybe?) who expressed his deep concern about the inability of Christians to stay humble when they became wealthy, practically describing the central themes found so bluntly stated in the Book of Mormon. A second quote came from Brigham Young as follows, "The worst fear I have about this people is that they will get rich in this country, forget God and His people, wax fat, and kick themselves out of the Church and go to hell. This people will stand mobbing, robbing, poverty, and all manner of persecution and be true. But my greatest fear is that they cannot stand wealth.” Then he referenced Joseph Smith from Lectures on Faith, "A religion that does not require the sacrifice of all things never has power sufficient to produce the faith necessary to life and salvation."

There followed a very interesting discussion about the sacrifice of "all things", and what exactly the Lord expects from us. The conversation then moved into the idea of covetousness and how it isn't the wanting of others' stuff that is the problem as much as the bad feeling it gives us toward others when they have more or are more. Competition, coveting and pride are all sins on the same spectrum. Ultimately we don't just envy and hate those who have more . . . we scorn those who have less. Coveting nearly always leads to enmity. And, as is so often the antidote for sin, charity seems to be the cure.

So what the Lord expects is our time, talents and our energies for the good of others. This combination will be unique to everyone, but it seems fairly certain that anything less than our all isn't enough.

I think I'm starting to understand about sacrifice, at least a little bit. What I'm still working on is the faith part that says, "Any sacrifice pales in comparison to the blessings . . . ." I think that one of the great strengths of LDS people is their willingness to sacrifice. And today I need your strength. Take a moment here to share a time when you sacrificed, and what it taught you. I know that sacrifice isn't about making sure that others know what you've done, but maybe this is a forum when we can draw strength to have the faith to continue giving our all.

You see, right now I'm going through a period of discouragement regarding my rather stupid job. As has been typical throughout our whole marriage, my extra income is just a little bit more than the 10% we pay in tithing--the rest of my money mostly covers my own tithing and my expenses for the paper route. For me, tithes and offerings aren't just about writing a couple of checks every month . . . it is about setting an alarm at 3 o'clock every. single. day. Probably at least for a couple of more years, unless I expect my family to share the sacrifice. No lessons. No dates. No vacations. No mission fund. No fun. Either I suffer or we all suffer.

Then I look around my community, my country, and the world, and I see actual suffering and I feel very small and selfish. Please, share your stories. It will ease the passage in the dark tomorrow morning.

Six Weeks

The last six weeks has been very busy. I think I finally see and end in sight, however. Next week should slow down a whole lot, culminating with Plantboy taking ALL the kids on the father-son camp out this year. This happy occurrence is the day after my birthday and I will get precisely what I want for number 36: A (partial) day of peace and quiet at home.

I have been hard at work on my goals the last weeks:

* My scripture study has picked up because of an unexpected boost. I have a friend who was baptised last October and has taken a strong interest in studying the Book of Mormon. We are giving each other reading assignments and meeting weekly to talk about them. It has been really great, and the kind of thing I haven't done for years. Having a study buddy keeps us both accountable and keeps us motivated.
* As mentioned here, I have finished a manuscript that several people are reviewing. I began working on a second full pass of it last night. My reading has been curbed back quite a lot, but the stack of books continues to grow. My blogging time has, obviously, been scaled way back.

* I've been exercising more regularly and have lost some weight, but I'm starting to think that even the half marathon isn't going to happen. My YW calling has kept me incredibly busy since Christmas and I just can't commit the time to the running that I need. I won't make a full decision for a couple of more weeks, but I feel some relief in admitting that it just might not be my year to marathon.

* I applied to graduate school (instructional technology) through an on-line program at my alma mater. After lots of pros and cons and years of consideration, this on-line option is the only one that really felt right. It will be cheaper, and I will be able to keep working while I complete it. I will finish the same time my youngest starts first grade, and instructional technology should give me more flexibility than a straight education degree.

Last year I felt like I was on the verge of everything and was filled with indecision and a large degree of depression. This year, I feel like I've taken the next step into the darkness. I'm not at all sure what will happen next, but it feels very good to have acted with a degree of faith and determination.

So here is the run down of what has kept us so busy these last several weeks.

The first order of business has been getting the garden in. And though Plantboy does most of the work, I have spent my share of sunny-ish afternoons weeding, weeding, forever weeding. The reward is that these bare plots are now filled with leafy growing things, well on their way to becoming food. Except the peas--they mildewed in so much rain and had to be re-planted this week.






The weekend of Plantboy's birthday and spring break, we decided to tile the kitchen. This is one of the bigger home improvement projects we have undertaken, and it was fairly difficult. The end result is beautiful (though I don't exactly have a proper "after" picture). and now we are trying to gear up enough desire to do the bathrooms next.










Before the grout had even dried, I thought, "What about that bathroom I've wanted to tackle for the last two years??" And I did, with a vengeance. Though still sporting the nasty old linoleum, the bathroom got a major makeover, paint-wise. Even the cabinets. Still, I had some good help so it wasn't too bad.








Spring came. I guess that wasn't a thing that kept me busy, but it was certainly a thing that has kept me going. The perennials and bulbs are lovely this year.







We finished painting the bathroom just in time to work on the Pinewood Derby. It was a night of tears, frustration and disappointment. At least at our house. Plantboy may get enlisted for some serious hours next year. Here is Jedi Knight winning the award for best "Hot Rod." The award only made him angrier because, "it isn't even a hot rod!!!"




My parents came to visit over Easter Weekend. Mom and I hosted an egg hunt/Bunny Money store for a few of the kids' friends. I had brunchy foods for the grown ups at the same time and it was actually a lot of fun.









Mom and Dad DID come to town to visit the grand kids, but they came that particular weekend because we had Wicked tickets. My sister also came. We had dinner first and then walked to the theater just a block from the restaurant (and only 10 minutes from home!). The show was fantastic. I'll spare you the review--there are many others written that are both better and more expert. It almost matched my anticipation level. I say "almost" because I'm not quite sure anything could have: I spent over a year putting the evening together. I promise I rocked that white outfit. I realize more forcefully all the time that I am NOT photogenic.


Jeff and Padawan went to an Oregon Ducks baseball game courtesy of a newspaper customer who was looking to get rid of some tickets. It was Padawan's first grown up outing on his own with dad. He said it was the best day of his life, even if game treats had to be tepid hot chocolate in a commemorative cup because it was so cold.




Here we are in Egypt. Not really. The following pictures are at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry: OMSI. It is pretty much awesome. We saw a mummy, dinosaur bones, tried to build earthquake proof buildings and ball guns. We saw an IMAX film about baby orangutans and elephants. Most of the activities were hands on. We got to go to dinner on the way home from Portland . . . it was just a really awesome day.