Thursday, March 28, 2013

Camping

Going camping. In a yurt. Oh, yes, there is plenty to love about Oregon.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Worship:Then Sings My Soul!

It is probably a good thing that I wasn't gifted with better musical talent. I might have done something really misguided (for me) and pursued the acting thing. But sometimes I sit in sacrament meeting and just really wish that I had a voice. A gift. The woman with the angelic voice that could sing the soprano HARMONY on Reedemer of Israel. I love that song, but only the MoTab gets it right because they have the gals with the chops to carry it through to the end the way it should be done.

My favorite thing about serving in primary is that there are so many weeks where I just get to sit and SING. I don't have to squirm in Sunday School when uncomfortable comments are made about other churches or polygamy. I don't have to immerse myself in a Relief Society cry fest. I just get to lift up my voice and sing.

Heavenly Father? Are you really there?
We are as the Army of Helaman!
I feel my Savior's Love, in all the world around me.
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father Created for Me.
I am a child of God . . .
I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.
I will go, I will DO the things the Lord Commands!

If you are ever feeling down or low, drop by a primary music time for ten minutes. You will feel the spirit in spades. Of all human endeavors, I truly believe that music can be the most creative--that it binds body and soul. The need and ability to create such glorious anthems to God is surely something that cannot be explained by evolution. The need to sing and create music must be one of the purest pre-existent divine attributes. (And yes, yes, it is warped for evil too. This isn't that kind of post.)

Despite my love of singing in church, I don't really love Mormon music. Admittedly here I probably mostly mean Michael McClain. And maybe Afterglow. Mercy River I can do without . . .

It isn't that I don't think these folks and others like them don't have talent, it is that some of their stuff seems so contrived to elicit an emotional response that it feels fake.

There are exceptions, however, at least on a song-to-song basis. I've seldom been as moved by a non-hymn as I am by Kenneth Cope's song "Face to Face." A very dear friend sang this at my mission farewell and it stayed firmly with me through many long and difficult months. I think many of Jenny Phillips' songs from her Trek-themed album are very good. Another singer has recently come to my attention. Calee Reid. And true to form, some of the songs on her album are just too cheesy for words, but a couple of them are remarkable.

The first, "She Put the Music in Me," made the Facebook rounds last year about Mothers' Day and is a lovely, true story about Calee's Mother. If you overlook her super-Mormon-momma outfit in the video, it is actually really touching. This clever and moving song compelled me to buy her CD.

And while much of it is hit or miss, two other songs on the album make it worth the price. The first song is lovely medley of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and "I am a Child of God." The other is also a medley: "Where Can I Turn for Peace" and "Be Still My Soul." These two songs have been an enormous source of comfort to me the last few days. The lyrics to each of the four are remarkable, yearning and truth-filled.

In the midst of these thoughts, a friend today sent me a link to an essay from a couple of years ago on Feminist Mormon Housewives. The bulk of the essay is written by the author of "Where Can I Turn For Peace." My music hasn't changed my circumstances; but it is changing my outlook.

Friday, March 15, 2013

The Cat is Out of the Bag

So the big secret is that Plantboy applied for a job in Denver.

The job seemed nearly perfect, though probably more stressful than his current job. He was recruited into applying for the job by former colleagues from some years back. The timing, for us, could not have been better. The pay would have been a bit higher, but future opportunities greater.

As he prepped for his interview I must admit to making plans. Maybe even a lot of plans. Nearly every future scenario I played out in my head put me in Denver this fall. We were looking at neighborhoods within 10 minutes of these Littleton temple. We would have been within an hour of several of Plantboy's siblings and his parents. The schools are excellent there. We'd be an EASY day's drive from my family. Church is strong. . . .

What is that saying? Chickens before they hatch?

He made the interview cut (they interviewed 5-6 out of more than 200) and the final decision went down to Plantboy and one other guy. The other guy had more experience of the type they were looking for. That man was offered the job this week; Plantboy was let down easy.

So after nearly six weeks of deep stress and unknowns, absolutely nothing has happened. Nothing.

I'm taking it worse than Plantboy. I had begun to daydream about choices of places to apply for jobs. A house with a space. Towel racks. Indoor laundry. Room to walk. Schools that were funded and effective at every level. A chance to coast for a little while calling-wise. I stormed and cried quite a bit. Mostly to myself . . . and a bit to my mother.

The thing is this: When we moved here nearly six years ago, Plantboy had a strong impression that we were moving to Oregon to help strengthen the Church. He believed that he would get his current job because the Lord needed us here for other reasons and we would have never come without a job. I've since come to believe this too. But we are burned out. I am as tired right now as I was at the end of my mission. The difference is that there was an expiration date on my missionary service. There isn't one here. 

Don't get me wrong. Our lives have been good here. We talked at length about a possible move to Colorado, and the losses we would incur because of it. Staying here probably meant more family time--Eugene is a smaller city than Denver and the lifestyle is slower and work is closer. Going probably meant a greater support system for the kids in terms of extended family, better schools and stronger wards. In truth, most of our reasons for wanting to go have to do with the children. I worry about them here. Mostly I worry about the unknown. Staying here in Oregon is an acceptance of raising our boys, in many ways, very differently than I was raised. This will continue to be new territory for me. 

Part of my disappointment this week has stemmed from my now greatly reduced employment opportunities. Our schools here, already so strapped for funds, are supposed to make further cuts this year. Further cuts? There are 38 children in my son's class! What else can be done without sacrificing their future? Some certified, master's degreed teachers sub for upwards of 4 years before finding a job. Sub??? I think I'd rather eat paint. Because of moving possibilities I've already missed the lottery chance for the school in which I had hoped to work and put the kids. I also delayed certification because the process is a little bit simpler in Colorado.

We have been blessed here, no doubt. But we have sacrificed a lot too--to work for the Church in Texas and time for the Church here.  I lay on my bed Wednesday pleading with the Lord for acceptance of the realities of a life here. For more gratitude. Pleading for the strength to face the sacrifices that I know are still to come. Pleading to feel His love. This week our activity feels only like sacrifice. I want so badly to be more active in the Gospel, but the demands of the Church have become so taxing that I'm out of balance. My first, selfish thought when I got the news that we would not move was that I could not, in good conscience, now ask to be released. Plantboy and I have served nearly our entire time here in presidencies--most often at the same time.

This is all very blunt and raw. I guess it doesn't matter much; I only think about 15 people are regularly reading anymore. Mostly what I want is to go to the temple and rest my head on a couch in the celestial room for about an hour and hear the Lord whisper that my sacrifice is seen and accepted. But the temple is two hours away and this month I cannot afford the babysitter or the gas money to get there. 

I have a testimony that sacrifice brings blessings. Perhaps if I feel so good at recognizing the sacrifices, what I need to pray for is eyes to see the blessings too.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Leavening in the Bread: March Edition

First of all, OBOB was a resounding success. The team got creamed.

If these two seem contradictory then perhaps I should explain. Jedi Knight learned a lot about competition and himself in the process. He better understands now the pros and cons to competing . . . and to sitting on the sidelines. But the real success of the day was achieved before we even left the house. I was finishing getting ready; JK was pacing my bedroom. I could tell he was very worked up. I turned from my bathroom mirror to suggest that we pray together, only to find my dear boy on his knees, head bowed and hands clasped. 

Did you think to pray?

Why, yes. Yes he did, as a matter of fact. When a boy can master private victories then the public ones will surely come one day.

I read a wonderful article the other day about the director of LDS Charities leading a discussion at the UN about women's rights. The new director, Sharon Eubank, spoke with passion, feeling and love about things that really matter. The work she is doing is remarkable and important. 

In prefacing LDS Charities' place at the table during this conference, a woman out of Texas A & M said this:

"When women are subordinated, research has shown that nations are poorer, less healthy, hungrier, overpopulated, have higher child mortality and are more bellicose. Educating and empowering women is the single most effective means of attacking most social problems facing the nations of the world today. Nations cannot thrive when men dominate women, as we show in our recent book, 'Sex and World Peace.
  
"Furthermore, the Church is known for its willingness to partner with other aid organizations having long-standing interests and capabilities, which engenders a real multiplier effect in terms of efficacy," Hudson said. "The Church also has a network of stakes around the globe whose capabilities can be added to the material assistance the church is able to provide from centralized depots. All in all, the LDS Church is becoming known as an experienced, dependable and organized 'white hat' in humanitarian aid circles, and this is reflected in its participation … at the United Nations."

At the conference, Sister (Ms?) Eubank pointed out that violence against women didn't just have to be physical, it could also be inherent in the structure of the society. She said,  "If women don't have access to health care because the roads are too dangerous, if they are turned away from care because they are too poor or too disabled, if there is no equipment to save their newborn, if no one believes girls need wheelchairs — they are bullied by a societal structure that is so much bigger and meaner than they have power to fight."

In her remarks, she shared stories of our earliest female LDS doctors, trained in medicine at a time when women were not allowed in these professions. Sister Eubank shared stories of our women breaking glass ceilings while quietly doing the same herself. She is the first woman to hold this position in the Church.

I know, I know, my "leavening in the bread" isn't about women or feminism or any of that. It is about one person's power to make a great difference. But I can't help but find the stories of these women incredibly empowering. I also know that while Sister Eubank might be the current public face of LDS Charities, the real work is done by thousands, tens of thousands, of nameless angels consecrating their time, talent and energy to the work of the Lord. I am becoming more convinced that the world isn't changed by vast majorities agreeing . . . I think it is changed when ONE chooses to love.

Friday, March 08, 2013

Winning

Jedi Knight is starting to come into his own. Because he has never really done sports, he hasn't always gotten recognition of that kind. He does karate, but he isn't at a level to do tournaments or anything like that. He has difficulty making friends because he thinks that a conversation subsists of two people sharing random facts back and forth with one another. He hasn't (thank goodness) figured out the art of "hanging out" as opposed to playing like most kids his age. He is remarkably unspoiled. And while these traits are endearing and sweet, they don't exactly mean that other children are knocking down the door to be best friends.

But lately some great things have happened for him that have helped with friendships, or at least filled gaps where friendships normally live. And while some of these things are related to recognition; to me, they are more related to him learning about commitment and responsibility.

Here in Oregon, we have a thing called Oregon Battle of the Books. And for all the things that frustrate me about schools and school funding here, OBOB is one of the things I love. Each year, by late spring, a committee of librarians chooses 16 books in 3 different age categories (high school just chooses 10), and the kids are encouraged to read them. They form teams of four and then compete against one another by answering questions about plot, characters, etc. The questions aren't any deep thinker-type, more comprehension than anything else, and some of them are incredibly specific. Some schools and parents are really into it. Our librarian treats it as a fun thing.

Jedi Knight's team, as 4th graders, took 2nd in the school last year, losing by just a couple of points to the first place team. He was really the catalyst for last year's success. Before school had been in a week in the fall, last year's 3rd place team recruited him. For him, it was a no-brainer. The team that picked him up is composed of some very popular (and thankfully very nice) boys with whom JK has long hoped to get in good with. This momma had her doubts. As nice as these boys are, they have nothing in common with my quirky son, and it was clear to me that their choice was a clear desire to win the competition. They weren't exactly using Jedi Knight. After all, if they won, then he would win too, but it still didn't sit quite right.

And then the boys didn't really read the books. Or at least not enough of them.

I think the reasoning was that since the team was comprised of the 2nd and 3rd place teams from last year (the 1st place team having moved on to middle school) then winning was a given. Besides, they are all really smart. So why shouldn't they win?

Not long before the end of the competition, mother's prediction came true--they got creamed by another team. Of girls. Oh the horror!

Jedi Knight kind of blew it off and then he and I had a long talk about consequences. I told him that it didn't matter to me if they won or lost, but that it did bother me that he had signed up and committed and then not done the work. It bothered me that he was treating the loss as no big deal, or even a joke, instead of seeing it as something to be learned from. He came back with the classic kid response, "Well, we are smarter than them, if we'd read the books we'd have won."

Yeah. Well, the whole point is to read the books. It doesn't matter a fig how smart you are if you won't make any effort.

Once I got him feeling nice and bad about how much he had slacked off (and don't take me for Tiger Mom, please. I wasn't asking him to do anything he didn't do a year ago; this child reads like 4 or 5 books a week. OBOB reading should have been a cakewalk), I reiterated to him that I didn't care if they didn't win, but I cared very much that he hadn't made his best effort. I cared very much that he had signed up and committed and hadn't kept his promises.

Then he read four books in 5 days.

They pulled out a last minute win of the school tournament when the girls suffered an embarrassing loss to a team of third graders, and they had a fantastic showing in their last battle.

The region tournament is tomorrow. I've been drilling and drilling and drilling him . . . but only when he's asked me to. I'm reminding myself over and over that this is about him, and I'm trying to best navigate the lessons to be learned in all this competing.

In recent weeks Jedi Knight has also found out that he will test for his yellow belt in just a few weeks. He earned his Tenderfoot Rank in scouting and has earned a couple of merit badges. In addition, he is a great volunteer at school and works as a peer mediator at recess. But lest you think he has gone mainstream, I will also tell you that he has worked out a secret code using Roman numerals and letters and is passing notes with a select group of like-minded spies.

I don't know how things will go tomorrow, but for the first time in a long time I'm not nearly as worried about my eldest child as I have been.

And I haven't forgotten about that secret. I'm almost ready to tell.

Monday, March 04, 2013

Oscar Night

I finally got around to watching the Oscars that I put on the DVR two weeks ago. By the time I watched it I'd already heard most of the results. The night seem pretty balanced between a lot of films. The host was flat (big surprise) and couldn't really decide if he was going to be offensive or not, so most of his jokes just came off with apologies. The big-Bond-bonanza was pretty flat. First of all, let's be honest, most of the Bond films are just not that great. And I had to fast-forward Shirley Bassey's Gauldfingahhh! because it just kind of made me crazy. The other critics, apparently en masse, disagree wildly, but hey, my house. My DVR. My finger on the fast-forward.

Most of the ladies were pretty classy, though I always get a bit nervous about the tops of those dresses sliding south. Modest? Well no, of course not. But we aren't talking Lady Gaga in a meat dress either. Classy, classic Hollywood all around.

As much as I'd like to have time for a long, snarky awards show recap, (those are rather fun, aren't they?), I just don't. Instead I will just leave you with two questions:

What is Kristen Stewart ON?

Could Daniel-Day Lewis be any cooler?