18 Clues

On our computer, my side of the Internet is not working, and hasn't been for several months. I can pretty much trace back our computer troubles to when I downloaded Blurb and pretty much opened the porn portal to hell in my computer. Granted, they may not be related, but free software is often free because they load a bunch of other spyware stuff on your computer at the same time so they can open ads for things you REALLY WANT.

But I digress.

I started this long and pointless story merely to explain that I have been using Plantboy's side of the computer. Not being the discerning news reader that I am (ha ha), he has homepage set to MSN which basically considers Hot Celebrity Gossip to be "the news." I'd like to say that I never click on their stupid headlines, but I surprise myself by acting human sometimes.

There was one today called, "18 Clues He's Still Crazy About You." Feeling like I'm part of a normal, stable relationship made me, of course, want to see how Plantboy and I stack up against other couples who think they've got it figured out. It is a competition after all. If nothing else, I figured the list might be some snarky fun. As it turns out, the list was neither interesting, universal or even that funny. It reinforced to me that just because you CAN publish anything on the web, it doesn't mean you SHOULD. (Blogging is a perfect example of this.)

What probably bothered me the most about the list, however, is the assumption that men are pretty much useless lumps who occasionally do something nice. Take numbers 8 and 9 for example, " He doesn't try to guess what to get you for your birthday; he asks your best friend," and "he is incapable of putting dishes in the dishwasher; he has, however learned to stack them in the sink." This kind of thing makes me crazy. Lots of men are good at buying gifts--Plantboy pays better attention to needs and wants than I ever do.* As for the second, it is just so lame. How is it a sign of love that significant other won't load the dishwasher? It is a bit like saying "He still hasn't learned to brush, but oh, boy, does he know how to floss."

Could I come up with 18 highly entertaining or useful evidences "he's still crazy about you" on my own? Probably not. After all, I'm not writing for the very literary Good Housekeeping, but I thought it might be fun if we did this together. I'll put a few here, and you each add one or two of your own in the comment section. Don't have a current beau? No problem. Just put down your ultimate romantic fantasy. Our composite man will make Mr. Darcy look like a villian.

1. After being gone all afternoon and into the evening, you come home to kids fed, bathed and tucked in. When you give hubby nothing more than a kiss for all this effort he says, without a trace of irony, "I'm so lucky."

2. When you sit down to tackle the mountain of clean laundry that has reached a critical mass over the course of three days and 7 loads, he sits down next to you to help without being asked and even consents to watch the show you picked.

3. After a rather long and stressful week, he lays his head on your shoulder and says, "When are we going to get a date?"

4. He honestly thinks the braids are cute and even says, "Weren't you the centerfold in last month's REI catalog?"

5. When you are at Costco he walks you past the black Tahitian pearls and asks you which ones you like best, even if you are too impatient or practical to play along.

All right, all right, and now I see my list is really no better. I guess I just like it because it is my own and doesn't give my man any backhanded compliments. (GH's #5: He tried — unsuccessfully, but he tried — to clean the rust ring his shaving-cream can left on the sink.) Still, it is still February for another week and a bit, so bring on the love.

*Which reminds me; when cleaning the garage yesterday I found an unopened Nerf gun of the same type I gave nearly everyone for Christmas. Now I'm wondering--did I buy an extra? Forget to give one? Miscount? Anyway, if I had your name for Christmas you were probably supposed to get a Nerf gun. If you didn't, I'm sorry: you won't get it now either. It has entered the growing arsenal of weapons here at our house and I doubt it will ever be liberated.