I had a friend put a spoof written by Eric Snider of the Twilight screenplay on her Facebook page today. It was very, very funny. I read this same writer's spoof of Titanic a couple of years back and was glad to find a voice of reason regarding that much-decorated monstrosity.
And speaking of things that are monstrous, the snark in the tone of the screenplay quite inspired me. So instead of cleaning my house during nap time this afternoon (wouldn't that have been clever?) I wrote my own spoof; this time for the Twilight sequel. If you haven't read the book, this won't be all that relevant or funny; if you loved the books, then take the following with a healthy dose of self-deprecation. If you are like the masses in the middle of the two extremes, then this might be exactly for you. Warning: it is a bit long.
Scene 1: (Bella’s living room)
Bella: Okay, that is enough smoldering, we really need to do some homework. We're still in high school, remember?
Edward: I have Romeo and Juliet memorized.
Bella: Great. You just sit here and whisper Romeo's lines into my ear in your velvet voice and I’ll pretend to be Juliet. Except for the teen sex part, that’s just gross.
Edward: Not to worry, my love, that part takes place off stage.
Bella: Oh, bummer. I mean, how appropriate in a story about teen love.
Edward: I really hate this Romeo. What an idiot—he thinks he’s all tortured and sexy.
Bella: Yeah, that is annoying. I’d NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH ANYONE WHO WAS TORTURED OR SEXY.
Edward. Of course not, and I would NEVER ACT EXACTLY LIKE HIM.
Bella: That is good to know, because I’ve never wanted to go to Italy, and if we were Romeo and Juliet then that is where this story would ultimately end up.
Edward: All this talk is making me hungry.
Edward: Kidding. But remember; it is your birthday.
Bella: AGGHHHH!!!! You promised not to mention it. I hate birthdays! I hate people making a big deal out of me! I hate getting older. Oh, Edward, please turn me into a member of your happy clan of undead. I could go to high school forever and pretend to be your sister too!
Edward: People get older. It's natural. Even when you are 80 I will love you because you will still smell great. Or not.
Bella: Oh Edward! Your chest is like marble. I need to kiss you now.
Edward: Only if you let Alice throw you a party.
Bella: Okay, fine.
Edward: Good. She knew this would happen. (They kiss. And kiss. And kiss. But Bella is not in her underwear.)
Scene 2: (Edwards’ house)
Bella: (opening a present with no wrapping paper) Oh, look, a cut from this box lid. Only someone as adorably clumsy as my little self could have done such a thing.
Jasper: Must. Have. Human. Flesh.
Edward: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (dives onto Bella).
Bella: Oh, now I’m really bleeding. It smells like rust and salt . . . .
Edward: And crack.
Carlisle: Perhaps your reaction was a little strong, Edward. Alice, take Jasper out of here. It would have been helpful if you had seen this coming?
Alice: I thought the first movie clarified that my gift is not actually all that helpful, and if there aren’t some surprises the story gets boring.
Rosalie: The story isn’t boring?
Edward: No, you gorgeous Harpy. It is MY story and it is the most fascinating thing in the world, just like me.
Bella: Please like me, Rosalie. Please! I want to be your sister. And could somebody get a tourniquet here? I think I hit an artery or something when I smashed into that pile of coffins.
Carlisle: Oh, right.
Esme: You are just so funny and cute and human, Bella! You've just about ripped apart my family and I couldn’t be more thrilled.
Scene 3: (In the car)
Edward: I’m too dangerous for you.
Bella: No you aren’t.
Edward: I’m too dangerous for you.
Bella: No you aren’t.
Edward: I’m too dangerous for you.
Bella: NO! YOU AREN’T! WHY ARE YOU KISSING ME LIKE THAT???? IT FEELS ALMOST LIKE GOODBYE!
Edward: I must stop.
Bella: Never stop.
Scene 4: (In the forest)
Edward: I’ve brought you out here to turn you into a vampire.
Edward: Or to eat you.
Edward: Or leave you.
Edward: It’s settled then.
Bella: Wait, what? Where are you going?
Edward: How could I be with someone like you?
Bella: You do have a point.
Edward: I’m going tonight. Don’t try to find me. I’m faster, smarter, richer and in all other ways infinitely superior to you. Yet, despite having spent the last several months with a god incarnate, I’m sure you’ll forget me in a week or two. Mike Newton is definitely more your type.
Bella: Mike, who?
Edward: Remember, there are other people in the story.
Bella: Ooo. . . .like Jacob Black?
Edward: Exactly. Goodbye now. This is your cue to get all weepy and then wander in the forest for hours because your sense of direction is awesome even though we are only twelve feet from your house. After that, you’ll get cold and wet and go all catatonic.
Bella: Whatever you say, my precious Romeo.
Edward: And then a werewolf will find you.
Bella: Cool; I love monsters. (Edward runs off, Bella takes a few steps after him and then begins to sob and is immediately lost.)
Scene 5: (Bella walks across the campus of her high school while the leaves change color and winter settles in to show the passage of months.)
Bella (to random girl): Hi! Remember me?
Random Girl: No, not really.
Mike: I do!
Other random male characters: So do we!
Girl: Oh, yeah, now I remember.
Bella: Pay no attention to me; my heart is broken forever. After all, NOBODY HAS EVER LOVED ANYBODY THE WAY I LOVE HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED.
Mike: Wait, is this the casting call for “Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince?”
Girl: No, but is that Cedric Diggory standing next to the director’s chair? I though he was dead.
Mike: Not as creepy as this--there have been random animal attacks happening all over the woods. Should we all go hiking this weekend?
Bella: Um, maybe, but none of you are really part of the story in spite of the fact that I spend a good chunk of my waking hours at high school. I think I'm going to hang out at the Reservation instead.
Scene 6 :(at Jacob Black’s house)
Bella: Jacob, I know you once had a huge crush on me, and if I was a normal girl without a gaping hole in my chest then I would think you were mind-numbingly attractive, for all that you are nearly seven feet tall.
Jacob: I’d like to see that hole in your chest.
Bella: It isn’t a real hole; it's figurative, I mean . . . oh, stop your grinning. You know I could never love you like that. We'll just be good friends, but sometimes I will hug you and cook for you and over the next several weeks I will spend tons of time with you. So instead of all that boyfriend-girlfriend stuff, you could help me rebuild these motorbikes instead.
Jacob: Cool, but I don’t have the money for the parts.
Bella: No worries, we’ll use my college fund. Life has no meaning anymore so I am planning on blowing all of my savings on fun and reckless behavior.
Jacob: Great. I need a friend too.
Bella: Oh? What about all of those guys over there? (She points to a group of Native American youth, all enormous.)
Jacob: Those guys reading Twilight? They're so lame; they're playing a drinking game. Every time they read the word “marble” they take a shot.
Bella: Woah, are they plowed. Wait, isn’t that kind of stereotypical?
Jacob: Yeah! Remember? I told you we descended from wolves. It doesn’t get much more stereotypical than that. Wait! Maybe those guys aren’t in a book club after all. . .
Jacob: I can’t tell you, Bells. I just can’t.
Bella: Oooo . . . “Bells” is really cute. That makes me sound all nice and friendly instead of being the kind of girl who toys with the emotions of unsuspecting boys. (seductive) What can’t you tell me Jake?
Jacob: I don’t know yet, but, oh, no, you must leave now, I’m going to be sick.
Bella: Why do all the boys think they can tell me what to do! (stamps foot)
Scene 7: (In Bella’s kitchen)
Bella: Daddy, why won’t Jacob call?
Charlie: Leave it, Bells, men hate to be chased.
Bella: Chaste? Really?
Scene 8: (in Bella’s room)
Bella: Jacob Black! What are you doing in my room!
Jacob: So you’ve never had a boy up here before?
Bella: No. I mean yes. But I’ve told a lot of lies so you don’t need to know that I slept with THE ONE every night for months before he, (sob) left me.
Jacob: I’m in the pack now too.
Bella: The book group?
Jacob: (winking) No, Bella, the pack.
Bella: You ARE a wolf! That is so freakin’ awesome. Holy crap. Does the guy in the wheelchair know?
Jacob: My dad? Yes. But he isn’t a werewolf so it must skip a generation or something.
Bella: When you transform, are the special effects any better than when Edward's skin glitters?
Jacob: Oh, yeah, the sequel's budget is much bigger.
Bella: Why are all these crazy things happening?
Jacob: We think you are being hunted.
Bella: Wow. I really hate being the center of attention, but here I go again. Should I lay low or do something really obvious and/or stupid? Hiking? Motorcycling? Cliff diving?
Jacob: Whatever you want, Bells. Catering to your every whim is pretty much my favorite thing.
Scene 9 (An expensive beach house in the tropics; all of the veggie vamps are sitting around, sparkling in the sun and having a chat.)
Esme: I wish Edward would call. Conversing is so inconvenient compared to him just reading our minds all the time.
Jasper: And everyone is so calm without him and Bella around that I have nothing to do except stand here and look guilty for nearly trying to kill her.
Rosalie: I wish you HAD eaten her.
Alice: Rosalie, that's just mean, she is like one of my all-time favorite humans and for Edward’s sake at least . . . . OH NO!
Carlisle: What is it dear?
Alice: Bella has just jumped off a cliff! She’s killed herself!
Rosalie: Like nobody saw that coming. I mean, almost the only scene she and Edward have had together was full of Romeo and Juliet references. I’d better call Edward so he can complete the metaphor.
Alice: No! He’ll kill himself!
Rosalie: It has to be his choice, sis. (Dialing)
Jasper: What do you see, my sweet little pixie vampire?
Alice: Nothing. I get nothing. I really hate this gift. I’d better go back to Forks.
Emmett: Can I come? I haven’t had any bear meat in months. And I needed a line in the movie.
Scene 10 (In front of Bella’s house)
Bella: Maybe I could love you, Jacob. I mean, it will never be the same with us as it was when I was with HIM. How could even you compete with the sexiest man alive, or not alive. I think he’d be the sexiest man in any time ever. Except sex doesn’t matter to me.
Jacob: What are you saying?
Bella: Maybe I could be happy with second best.
Jacob: So you're saying there's a chance?
Bella: A good chance, you really are so hairy and warm up close . . . (she moves into kiss him when a car pulls into the driveway). I KNOW THAT CAR! ALICE?!?
Alice: Phtew! You stink.
Bella: Sorry! I had some bad cheese up at the Res.
Jacob: Blood sucker!
Bella: Can’t we all just get along?!? Alice, come in the house. I will now begin my slow torture of Jacob that will only end when he falls in love with my daughter in the 4th movie.
Alice: I thought I was the one who could tell the future.
Bella: Sorry, your power doesn’t work on werewolves.
Bella: Goodbye, Jacob; it could have been so sweet. Except, you know, Edward. See ya!
Jacob: What about the vampire who's stalking you?
Bella: Edward? (confused)
Jacob: No. The other one. Victoria. (impatient)
Bella: Oh, let her go; we have to have a villain in the next movie.
Jacob: Then what was the point of this movie?
Bella: Creating a really awesome love triangle. How do you feel about that?
Jacob: Like crap.
Scene 11 (Airplane)
Bella: Okay, slower now Alice. Why are we on an airplane to Italy? But I must say it sure is lucky that I happened to have a passport.
Alice: There is a vampire government called the Volturi that Carlisle used to be friends with but then left because of the whole not-preying-on-stupid-humans thing. Now Edward wants to kill himself because he thinks you are dead and only another vampire is strong enough to do it, but obviously none of us will help him so he is asking the Volturi to kill him, but they won’t either because he really is gorgeous and he has awesome powers and so he will just have to make them angry, but he's also uber-righteous and he won’t go on a killing spree just to tick them off so instead he will expose himself in the sunlight while thousands of tourists are milling around the city at exactly noon tomorrow. Then the Volturi will have to kill him and possibly a bunch of on-lookers to avoid revealing our whole secret world to the mortals. Got it?
Bella: (In a sing-song voice) Edward’s going to take his shirt off! Edward’s going to take his shirt off!
Scene 12 (Busy street in Italy)
Bella: Isn’t it ironic that Edward said he hated Romeo and now he pretty much is Romeo. How funny.
Alice: Hilarious. The stolen Porsche will go no farther; you must run for it though I am about a hundred times faster. Only you can stop Edward from doing this. You are the wind beneath his wings. You are his light in the darkness. You are the sweet drug his addicted self cries out for.
Bella: I get it.
Alice: Go! As fast as you can! I'll stand here and laugh while you trip over cobblestones.
(Bella runs; sees Edward, stripped to the waist, standing in the shadows.)
Bella: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!! YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE A STATUE!!!!!!!!
Edward: Oh, I must be dead. I thought I was just a soulless bloodsucking vampire, but it turns out there is an afterlife.
Bella: You aren’t dead, silly.
Edward: But you are dead.
Bella: (Bella shakes her head) For a smart guy, you sure blew this one.
Bella: Never mind. Just kiss me.
Edward: Uh-oh. Volturi coming.
Volturi One: Let me read her mind.
Volutri Two: Let me cause her unbelievable pain.
(Both touch her at the same time; Edward screams like a girl.)
Bella: Uh, is something supposed to happen?
Volturi One: Extraordinary. It seems that her power is just the opposite of yours, Edward. How convenient that you were both living in Forks. We'll let the two of you live, but she MUST become a vampire. I mean, obviously she must. Doesn’t everyone already know that is going to happen? I must say, she does smell quite, hee hee, delicious.
Volturi Two: I am getting hungry. See all of these curious pedestrians? We must tie up some loose ends anyway. (Loudly to tourists.) Lunch anyone?
Tourist #1: Free lunch?
Tourist #2: Where?
Volturi Two: To the dark, slimy, terrifying catacombs, everyone!
Tourist #1: Awesome! These Italians have been so friendly.
Tourist #2: I know! My stupid travel agent said they wouldn’t even speak English.
Edward: Let’s get out of here.
Bella: Great. You aren’t leaving again are you?
Edward: Before I met you the stars in the firmament were all but darked and then there was a meteor and it was you and the sky was brighter than the brightest comet at twilight and then the moon went away and the night became even blacker, and then Jacob Black was like the sun and then there was an eclipse and nobody could see anything at all and now we are like two planets in perfect alignment revolving around each other . . . how can you have any questions now?
Bella: (confused) What does firmament mean?
Edward: Uh. . .
Bella: Is there going to be kissing or what?
Edward: Of course!
(After several seconds of kissing)
Bella: Oh, Edward, your tongue is like an ice cube. How refreshing. I will never think of Jacob Black again. At least until the third movie when I’m very conveniently dying of hypothermia.
Edward: I can hardly wait.