Tuesday, August 21, 2007

30 Minutes and I'm Taking Every One of Them

If you aren't a mom this post will hold very little interest for you. Sorry for the terribly unpromising start, but my kids are watching a Baby Einstein video and I NEED to blog.

I hate nursing. I have tried very hard not to hate it. And I probably don't hate it every single day. I've tried every method of nursing--on demand, schedules, two sides per feeding, one side each time, pumping . . . you get the idea. I've also taken herbal supplements, counted every ounce of water and timed feedings. No matter what I do, I just don't make enough milk, especially when my babies go through growth spurts. So as I just gnash my teeth here for a few minutes, I promise, I am NOT looking for advice. I've had it all.

My first two boys each looked at me like "where has THIS been all my life?" the first time they had mush on a spoon. I am sure that boy #3 will be no exception. He is three months this week and I am counting the hours until he is four months and we can do mush. Yes, I know, the latest research is SIX months. But I am not willing to turn my sweet little baby into a monster because he is hungry all the time.

If it didn't feel like the biggest rip off ever, I would just quit and formula feed. It wouldn't be hard. If I went to formula today, my milk would be dried up by Thursday with little discomfort on my part. As it is, the baby's hunger has caused me to supplement several times over the past week. I know, I know, this is supposed to be bad for nursing. But nursing every 90 minutes because of hunger never causes me to make more milk, it only causes me increasing pain.

Oh, and I'm on an antibiotic for mastitis.

I can't complain entirely, my baby started sleeping through the night all on his own a few weeks ago, but he has hardly napped at all in the afternoon for three days. Even now, I'm letting him cry in the next bedroom and I just have to do it for a few minutes because I'm just not dealing. And there is no one to call and no one to take my big kids for an hour so I can nap . . . with circumstances what they are, this has been my most difficult post-partum of the three. I still feel like I'm not quite together. Not even close.

I'm a real piece of work, I tell you what. My house is filled with half-finished projects that I'm finding nearly impossible with three kids and I'm having a hard time feeling settled yet. There are so many things needed (and un-needed) when you move into a new house and the money is always stretched thin. But what do I want the most? Just somebody to talk about books with.

On the upside, kids are hilarious. Captain Scallywag's two little bottom teeth that he's had since he was just a wee four months old are loose. I nearly got the giggles in Sacrament Meeting when I suddenly had a vision of just ONE big tooth coming in behind both of these little guys. His mouth is so tiny and cute. Grown up teeth already? All I can think is BRACES. Yikes! He has been full of questions about the toothfairy. Wondering if there were lots of toothfairies and if boy toothfairies came for the boy teeth. He is very averse to anything girly these days. He also wanted to know if his tooth fairy would carry a magic wand.

Captain Scallywag gave his first talk on Sunday and I was a very good mommy. I wrote a sweet little talk about the Holy Ghost complete with a multitude of pictures so that he could remember many of the words on his own. There was a picture with a big yellow smiley face, corresponding words, "The Holy Ghost makes us feel happy." Simple, to the point. While practicing the talk Sunday, Captain Scallywag holds up the smiley picture and the Poopy Pirate pipes up and points, "Look Mommy, its the Holy Ghost!" So now, every time a see a smiley face, I'm sure I'll be thinking, "Hey, look, its the Holy Ghost!" I'm sure at some point I'll need to correct said false doctrine, but I'm hoping he'll outgrow this one naturally.

Oh, friends, far and wide! I wish you were all living down the street. I'd invite you over this afternoon and we'd sit on the patio in the lovely, cool weather. There would be chips and salsa for Forecastcallsforrain and homemade pesto or bruschetta on ciabatta bread for Karatemommy and brownies for everyone else. Have I ever told you forecast, how much you'd love Karatemommy if you met her? And Desmama, how I'd love to hear first hand about your moving. And Kimberly Bluestocking--I'm sure you'd be just as charming in person. How could you not be? We'd let the kids run wild and give them all a popsicle if they got sweaty enough. We would talk of "shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings," or whatever random silliness came to mind. I would forget for a couple of delicious hours that life is really not like the story books, and that REAL happily ever after is a daily slog interspersed with moments of perfect.

17 comments:

1tiredmama said...

I think your plan sounds wonderful. Good company, cool weather and of course food! Sorry about the nursing thing, nursing my babies in the past hasn't gone well, you are a trooper though. With Emily I finally just closed my eyes and paid the horrible price for formula. Not my ideal solution, but at least I had my sanity.

Kimberly Bluestocking: said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough day. Last week was a tough one for me, and I'm still not sure why. Perhaps it had something to do with the ant infestation. At any rate, I'm glad both the funk and the invasion are over.

Here's to the moments of perfect. Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

P.S. Thanks for the brownie.:)

Kimberly Bluestocking: said...

P.P.S. Out of curiosity, what's your favorite book?

Desmama said...

Oh, reading this made me sad for you. Hang in there! I will pray for you tonight that you will find friends as cool as we are. ;) I miss you too, by the way, and I'd love nothing better than to talk books with you. I haven't been able to dive into a good book what with the move and all, so I'm anxious to start one. I have Atul Gawande's next book, Better, waiting for me at the library right now. I am so excited to pick it up.

I'm sorry nursing is so hard. I've had mastitis with both kids and I think it's about the worst thing ever.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

KB--Heart of Darkness. It is amazing to me that a man who didn't learn English until he was in his 20's could write a book like that. It is so masterful and simple. I love tales that take you on a journey. I had a really lovely LDS AP English teacher in high school when we did that book. She kept pulling out this theme that learning to live in the world was sometimes the same as eating dead hippo and not being contaminated by it. I love all of the black and white imagery and the contrast of civilization to degradation and all the degrees in between. I think it is such a beautifully simple story that puts a mirror in the face of Western civilization and begs us to ask the hard questions of ourselves. After HOD I have loved much associated with Africa--music, history, literature--I hope I get to visit one day.

Other great Africa books to check out--Poisonwood Bible, Power of One, Cry the Beloved Country. The third is probably one of my top five favorites. I bet you are sorry you asked now. :)

Des--Mastitis is NOT the worst thing ever. You've never attempted natural childbirth. :)

Kimberly Bluestocking: said...

I attempted natural childbirth for about two hours. Then I demanded an epidural and was a much calmer, happier person. Of course, I had just a six hour labor. Maybe if it had been less intense I would have stuck it out.

I read HOD in high school and wasn't too impressed with it, but back then that was the case with most books that didn't involve dragons (though I did like Jane Eyre). I've since revisited numerous books like the Great Gatsby and been amazed at how much they've improved in ten years. :) Maybe I'll have to read HOD again and see what I missed.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

The first time I read HOD it was so difficult that I couldn't even pass my book quizzes on it. The second time was much better. My teacher actually required two readings. I actually didn't begin to read much fantasy until I was an adult, and even now I'm pretty selective, but it is probably one of my favorite genres now. I've also really enjoyed revisiting some of those authors I didn't care for as a teenager. I read Tess of the Dubervilles a couple of years ago and thought it was wonderful, though in high school the though of Thomas Hardy made me cringe. Steinbeck is another who gets better when you mature.

Christie said...

Boy, you said it! Save this blog entry for posterity. For when they have kids and babies of their own. Pull it out when the last one will enter first grade, and you'll have whole days to yourself.

Just a small note on Nursing. One of my best friends is expectin. Due in November. Her youngest is now seven. She knows her life is in for a big change. Somehow we got on the subject of nursing. She said that she did not plan on nursing this child. "Did you nurse your other kids?" I asked.

"Well," she said, "I did nurse Landon (the last on) for about 10 minutes."

She even thought that ten minutes was a bit of a stretch. :)

KarateMommy said...

Mmmm, bruschetta. Now my mouth is watering. You are missed very much! When are you going to start the online book club? ;)

Karin said...

I'm so sorry about your day(s). I don't know what to say that will make you feel better, other than I am thinking about you. Of course, it's okay to feel this way. You're in a new place with an extra person. A blog is as good a place as any to vent without repercussions. You are a divine you. I'm glad I knew you for the short time you were with us. Thank you for allowing me to "hang out" here.

Feeling lonely is human and to be expected. Heaven's, I feel lonely and I only moved five blocks away. But I'm still sorry that you feel that way. It's demoraizing to be post-partum. So much changes and we don't allow moms *time* to just *be* with our new families. In some civilizations, the mom is kept in a tent for 40 days and waited on hand and foot and brought strengthening bone broths to eat while she just spends time with, and falls in love with her new baby.

I know it can't be that way for you, but I wish you soem nice time to refill your well. You're a great person. :-)

Karin said...

I'm so sorry about your day(s). I don't know what to say that will make you feel better, other than I am thinking about you. Of course, it's okay to feel this way. You're in a new place with an extra person. A blog is as good a place as any to vent without repercussions. You are a divine you. I'm glad I knew you for the short time you were with us. Thank you for allowing me to "hang out" here.

Feeling lonely is human and to be expected. Heaven's, I feel lonely and I only moved five blocks away. But I'm still sorry that you feel that way. It's demoraizing to be post-partum. So much changes and we don't allow moms *time* to just *be* with our new families. In some civilizations, the mom is kept in a tent for 40 days and waited on hand and foot and brought strengthening bone broths to eat while she just spends time with, and falls in love with her new baby.

I know it can't be that way for you, but I wish you soem nice time to refill your well. You're a great person. :-)

Karin said...

sorry for the double post...That was my impatience. (sheepish grin)

Science Teacher Mommy said...

40 days! Waited on hand and foot! Where is that. I am moving there.

zippity-do-da said...

Hello You crazy Nomad. I feel like I do live down the street after reading your Posts. It's so nice to find you.
Four months was when my little Lucy finally got the hang of the nursing. But I did just ween her (11mo) after blocked ducts and lascerations. I feel your pain.
Can I move to Oregon? I'm a little stiffled by the humidity here.
Alexa

Terina said...

i don't like nursing either. i don't have any problems weaning because i have hardly any milk by that time.
i can also empathize with the moving. this is the 7th place we've lived, and our 6th anniversary was last month.
too bad i'm in texas. i'd come over and take your boys for an hour. they would play with my boy, and it would be happy for everyone!!!!

on.the.run said...

Being a mom is the hardest job ever... you do what you think is the right thing, the thing you are suppose to do and it doesn't work. I remember when Joe was a baby and wouldn't sleep - people gave me all kinds of advice and acted like I was doing something wrong because he wouldn't sleep. It would be really nice if there were a solution to every problem, the older I get the more I realize how much this isn't the case. I am sorry you are going through the breast feeding thing. Good luck... and for the record I fed both of mine mush at 3 months, the pediatrition told me to do it both times because I too had milk problems.

so grateful to be Mormon! said...

ah, sorry you are having such a hard time. if i lived there, i would gladly come over and share a cup of hot choc with you and listen to your woes. it does get better, it just doesn't seem like it now.

saying a prayer for you today. hope your burden eases soon,
blessings,
kathleen/grateful