I can't decide if the whole future seems open at the moment or if it is all too terrifying to think about.
I need to get a job because of the small matter of the student loan. There are other, pressing needs too, that my bit of part time work isn't really cutting it with. Cars that are aging and in need of attention. Children that seem to grow out of shoes every 17 minutes. Food and fuel prices that are going up WAY faster than wages. You know the drill.
But I also want to get a job. This is what I've worked toward. . . this blissful nirvana where you work the same hours your kids are in school. But those of you who know and love teachers, or who have been teachers, understand that realities are seldom what we idealize. There are basically three local school districts here, two of which are conveniently close. Only one of which my children are in and the two don't have very compatible schedules. The one my children are in is by far the smallest of the three and may not hire ANYone this year despite myriad retirements and huge classes.
Working regular hours would bring me enormous personal satisfaction. And, I've got to face it. I want to go on a big vacation that can never happen on one income. I want to go to the GAP and not have to hope something wonderful got relegated to the clearance rack so it could find its way to my closet. I want a house with room to walk and make messes and put stuff away and towel racks and a laundry room.
But none of these things are more important to us than the boys. We have sacrificed much for me to be home with them for the past 11 years. They are happy and well-adjusted and delightful. How do I look these sweet little souls in the eyes and say, "Sorry! Mom is gone until five next year. Here's your key and good luck growing up!" Please, working mommas who read this, don't take offense. I truly believe that we all just do our best, and some day care or babysitting situations are wonderful; I don't have that luxury.
On the positive side, another year of under-employment and kids in school all day probably means almost daily exercise which will help so much with my stress and energy levels. It might also mean that I get to finish the novel finally. So many wonderful ideas there. I have also just been asked to join a blog called "Aspiring Mormon Women" that starts in June. Hopefully they will want to hang on to me even if I don't find a job!
Oh, sweet Moses, I'm probably going to end up substitute teaching. I'll need your prayers then for sure.