Sunday, July 22, 2007

Instead of Reading Harry Potter

Okay, okay, I'm posting instead of reading Harry Potter because it will probably be a couple of weeks before I get to do this again. And the budget may only allow for dial-up so my posts may be further and fewer between.

A couple of weeks ago, Nem posted about frustrations with the "pretty" Relief Society lesson. Having started each pregnancy 5+ pounds heavier than the previous, I'm thinking a lot about the way I do look, the way I want to look, and yes, I must admit, the way I should look. Twice in the last few weeks I've seen pictures of myself that just about make me want to gag. In each instance, it was a day I'd really put myself together and felt very PRETTY. This pretty gives a certain level of confidence. Then I see the pictures and I think, "I really look like that? But I felt so great!"

The person I see in the mirror is not the person I see in the photos. So what to do about this? Avoid cameras all together? Still, I cannot help but shake the feeling that this is what other people see. They don't really see me. They just see the dumpling I've become. What a stupid, insecure way for a 32 year old mother of three to feel.

Now, perhaps this is a little over the top. (It is MY blog after all. Am I not entitled to certain moments of ridiculous self-pity?) Still, I saw Plantboy last night after 5 weeks. I spent a ton of time on myself yesterday. New outfit , great hair, perfect makeup. I smiled the c'mon baby smile in the mirror and I felt fabulous. Is it unreasonable to expect hubby to gush to the limits of his personality after what I've been through the last five weeks? He didn't gush or praise or, well, darn it, act like a newlywed. Maybe after five weeks I've forgotten the limit of the gush associated with his mellow personality?

No. I haven't. There was once a time when he could almost make me shy with his looks and sweet talk. What has happened? Eight years and three kids. Maybe the expectation has to change. But a part of me, I'm almost embarrased to admit, doesn't just want to feel good about myself, I want others to feel that way too. Maybe not even others with an "s." Maybe just that significant other.

If you can avoid it, never try the single parenting thing. I think it is hard on a relationship in ways I hadn't even anticipated.


forecast calls for rain said...

Have you finished Harry Potter?? I just have to say that when I saw you a few weeks back I fell in love with you all over again. (In a non same sex attraction kind of way). I miss you and wish I still had you so close. Also in a non SSA way you looked fabulous especially after having a one month old. Sorry you didn't get the gushes you were looking for. Maybe after you're settled down to a somewhat normal life the affection will begin to pour on. Until then just know I think you're one HOT mamma!

KarateMommy said...

You are one of the cutest mommies I know. NO, just even one of the cutest ladies I know. I know it hurts not to have expectations met when there is a reuniting. And i know you said it was the "other" not "otherS" you wanted to tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are, but sometimes they're just idiots - okay? :) You're fantastic and I love you. said...

I hate to say it but the sooner you get over the expecting husband to say you look nice the better. The best I get is "You look okay." and that is when I ask. Man think that because they already told you you look good, no matter if they told you that 3 years ago, that they don't need to tell you again. It doesn't matter to them that you think you look different and that you need to hear it from them.

Desmama said...

I felt that way after having my second. I think DesDad figured that if I was acting okay, well, then I must be okay. Truth was, I wanted some validation. It's hard. It's not so bad to have a little heart-to-heart and tell him what you need to hear every so often. That's what I had to do, and I found that he wants to be helpful and kind, he just doesn't do it the way I sometimes see. Some days it just all comes back to love languages, really.

I think you're a very cute mom--very "with it", for what it's worth.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about!

The conjugal visits with Crap Happy Papa never went as planned either.

Six Weeks Post Partum=Hoochie Coochie Time!

Kimberly Bluestocking: said...

I'd have to agree with Desmama: communication is key. Sometimes we have grand expectations about how Prince Charming should act, and the poor guy has no clue. He'd be happy to cooperate and validate the woman he loves . . . if he just knew what the heck she wanted.