Okay, okay, I'm posting instead of reading Harry Potter because it will probably be a couple of weeks before I get to do this again. And the budget may only allow for dial-up so my posts may be further and fewer between.
A couple of weeks ago, Nem posted about frustrations with the "pretty" Relief Society lesson. Having started each pregnancy 5+ pounds heavier than the previous, I'm thinking a lot about the way I do look, the way I want to look, and yes, I must admit, the way I should look. Twice in the last few weeks I've seen pictures of myself that just about make me want to gag. In each instance, it was a day I'd really put myself together and felt very PRETTY. This pretty gives a certain level of confidence. Then I see the pictures and I think, "I really look like that? But I felt so great!"
The person I see in the mirror is not the person I see in the photos. So what to do about this? Avoid cameras all together? Still, I cannot help but shake the feeling that this is what other people see. They don't really see me. They just see the dumpling I've become. What a stupid, insecure way for a 32 year old mother of three to feel.
Now, perhaps this is a little over the top. (It is MY blog after all. Am I not entitled to certain moments of ridiculous self-pity?) Still, I saw Plantboy last night after 5 weeks. I spent a ton of time on myself yesterday. New outfit , great hair, perfect makeup. I smiled the c'mon baby smile in the mirror and I felt fabulous. Is it unreasonable to expect hubby to gush to the limits of his personality after what I've been through the last five weeks? He didn't gush or praise or, well, darn it, act like a newlywed. Maybe after five weeks I've forgotten the limit of the gush associated with his mellow personality?
No. I haven't. There was once a time when he could almost make me shy with his looks and sweet talk. What has happened? Eight years and three kids. Maybe the expectation has to change. But a part of me, I'm almost embarrased to admit, doesn't just want to feel good about myself, I want others to feel that way too. Maybe not even others with an "s." Maybe just that significant other.
If you can avoid it, never try the single parenting thing. I think it is hard on a relationship in ways I hadn't even anticipated.