Conclusions

I actually started this post a couple of weeks ago, but never got around to finishing it. Three things prompted its completion today: finishing a book titled, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, watching the movie Up and a complete lack of desire to clean out the detritus left over after vacation.

My Segullah post was not the only one on LDS sexuality during the month of November. In fact, the first such post received something like 75 comments. My own post was geared as much toward approaching children about this sensitive subject as it was about spousal relationships--a topic not quite as "hot" as sex drive, which is what the first post was about. From the many and varied comments on the posts, some of them surprisingly blunt, as well as the variety of personal e-mails I received, I perceive that I wasn't far off the mark when I implied that in matters of intimacy, LDS women aren't always sure about where they stand and whom to talk to about their difficulties. I think the relatively anonymous nature of blogging makes it easy to open up about things that you might not ever talk about otherwise. Such anonymity allowing us to be open can be both good and bad, but that is another topic.

As I've thought about all I've read in the last couple of months on this subject, I felt like I wanted to draw a few conclusions here about things that have been meaningful to me. Perhaps they will be meaningful to you also. If not, feel free to add your own insights.

The overwhelming theme in the topic responses is that communication is the key to any successful relationship. This is true whether we are talking about husbands and wives or parents and children. It seems that initmacy is nearly impossible for women to enjoy without honesty. I was the most intrigued by the sister who wrote in about her husband finally coming clean about his pornography addiction. Before this happened to her, she would have assumed that nothing would be more damaging to her sex drive than to have this knowledge. However, once her husband admitted to this terrible thing, a huge barrier was removed between them and she found him absolutely attractive in his "naked" honesty. I thought this was fascinating; I also think that with enough work this sister could end up having a very successful marriage, and such open-ness in their relationship will hopefully make it more difficult for her husband to be secretive in the future.

The same applies to our children. Respondents who believed they had the most positive relationship with their own children or parents all said they same thing--they feel like they can talk about anything together. That is very powerful. If my sons believe they can come to me with their problems from skinned knees to hurt feelings to the facts of life to dating relationships then I will have a lot of influence about how they perceive the world. Notice I didn't say "control." Ultimately, only my children will control the decisions they make. Again, another topic worth exploring.

A second conclusion I realized in teaching our children about matters of human intimacy is that it is better to have this discussion late than never. One sister said bluntly that if you had never talked with your children about anything to do with their bodies, and then you try to sit your twelve year old down and explain to her why she is menstruating, it is going to be terribly awkward. Yet, it still should be done. I have to admit that even after I'd been through AP Biology, I would have still appreciated my mom making the effort to help me understand a little bit more about how boys ticked and how she felt about my dad.

This better-late-than-never mantra should apply to spouses also. It is so easy to fall into a routine with those we love the best. Marriages fail for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons is that they grow stale with routine and low expectations. When Plantboy and I were engaged, we went to see his bishop for a routine "check-up." I only remember one part of the interview. This bishop, a very traditional older brother, said that in forty years of marriage he'd hardly ever seen his wife without her make-up. That she made a point of getting out of bed before he did each morning and at least putting on lipstick before he saw her. My 24 year-old feminist self rebelled against this idea: that his poor wife wouldn't dare appear before him without her best face on! What kind of ogre was he? Now I see this offhand statement for what the bishop probably intended: that his wife loved him so much that she always wanted to look her best for him. Even after 40 years of marriage, his attraction to her was something she valued and cultivated.

I still don't put on make-up before I get out of bed. (Neither should Sister Bishop. I can just see her pink lipstick sneaking out of her natural lips and creeping up the lines around her mouth, but I digress . . . .) But when I get dressed up to go out somewhere, even if I am not going to be with Plantboy, it is his reaction that means the very most to me. And I've learned to never miss a chance to flirt or tease or give a kiss goodbye. I hope I don't forget this lesson, even when I've been married four decades.

As for whether YOU should put on make-up before your husband sees you in the morning, well, that leads into my third conclusion: each relationship is unique. During the comment phase, particularly of the first sexuality post, a lot of people were giving specific ideas about what made an intimate relationship successful. A couple of good sisters went so far as to discuss the merits of vibrators before the moderator cut them off. I'm not sure that any of the really specific advice, particularly in such a large forum, is helpful or appropriate. There is a Woody Allen movie (Annie Hall, I think?) in which he and Diane Keaton (his love interest) are going to therapy as part of the story line. Each character is shown separately with their respective therapist. Each therapist asks the same question, "How is your sex life?" The woman's response is, "Oh! All the time, at least two or three times a week!" The man's? "Hardly ever! Three, maybe four times a week!"

Hm . . . .

Communication problem indeed. I sometimes find myself thinking, "What is normal?" But perhaps a better question is, "What is normal and comfortable FOR US." Such a question can only be answered if you hold a conversation with your loved one, holding nothing back, and set reasonable expectations on your partner. There was another sister who wrote in that, at first, for a woman who is a virgin, hardly anything will seem comfortable and that to hold yourself to THAT standard is to deny a lot of pleasure and happiness. While her point is valid and interesting, I still maintain that sex should be something enjoyed by both partners. Something that crosses the comfort line one day, may not the next. Again, you have to speak up.

And yet, you might be in a marriage and have a personality where you feel more comfortable just not talking about it at all. As hard as that is for me to imagine, again, your relationship is uniquely yours and you know better what it needed than anyone. This is especially true when we expand this individuality to your children. Just as your marriage is unlike anybody else's, so is your precise relationship with each child. Books and advice are helpful, but ultimately you have to decide the best time, age and circumstances to approach your children about intimacy. I think listening to the Spirit is a big thing here.

It was Mike (the lone male willing to show his face on the subject, though Plantboy and I talked over nearly every comment together) who really got me thinking about my last conclusion on the subject. Discussions about sexuality need to be approached with values at the forefront, but also facts. While necessary between spouses (one sister indicated how valuable a book on female anatomy had been), such fact-based discussion is perhaps even more important with our children. From the young man who feels intense guilt over uncontrolled dream-fantasies after being told in a fireside that even sinful thoughts make you evil to the young woman who innocently sits on her boyfriend's lap while wearing a mini-skirt, a basic understanding of the biology involved is as necessary as a standards talk.

The problem, too often, is just that as we perceive a person's spiritual nature as completely different from and even opposed to their sensual nature, we also look at science and religion as dichotomies. This is a mistake. ALL learning can be for our good, particularly if we strive to understand just how important it is to our Heavenly Father that we have a body AND a spirit. Striving to defeat the natural man is not about learning to hate your physical body. It is about learning that there is a time and a place for certain behaviors, that self-mastery is the key to being filled with the pure love of Christ. A young man with self-control and integrity is still going to have wet dreams regularly. A young woman who dresses modestly still has to be careful about what she says to a young man or how she kisses him for BOTH their sakes. A husband who has a hard time helping his wife at home will find an uninterested lover. A wife, on the other hand, will nearly ALWAYS find an interested lover, so it is important that she not lead her man on too far without intentions to act on her teasing.

Being human is both complicated and wonderful. Perhaps the key with any struggle is to recognize that our Father created us the way we are for a reason. The spirit and the flesh.

As for why my entertainment selections of the last week prompted this post, The Memory Keeper's Daughter was one of the most depressing novels I've read this year. I didn't really like or identify with any of the characters, and I especially disliked the author's portrayal of marriage. In fact, my favorite character, was the Memory Keeper himself who gave his daughter away in a moment of supreme need to control the outcome of a difficult situation. I'm not sure if this says something disastrous about me, or is a tribute to just how unlikeable the characters in this story are. The movie Up, though I cried for nearly the entire length of the film, is probably one of the sweetest movies I've ever seen. It showed me that you can't just keep sitting around and waiting for life to happen. You have to seize the big opportunities when you get them sure, but you also have realize before it is too late that the real adventure is in living quiet, everyday moments with the ones you love best. Memories of a life are built as powerfully in simple things as in grand adventure. Ellie's message from the grave to her crotchety husband is that she didn't regret a thing. I don't want to regret a thing.

I'm thankful for my life, and for the love that Plantboy and I have worked so hard to cultivate. We have lived for some time now in relative ease and comfort, temporarily immune from the deep and difficult trials so many seem to be faced with right now. I hope that this season of joy hasn't made me complacent to my many blessings, or calloused toward those with greater struggles. As the holiday season moves into full swing this year, I pray that I will put off some of the frivolity in exchange for more meaningful thoughts and friendships. That I will decorate less and serve more. That I will fill my scrapbook with more memories and fewer unfulfilled promises.

Happy December-ing.

You Want A New Moon Review? I'll Give You a New Moon Review. Two Words: Team Jacob

Is it just me or does Robert Pattinson look like he is eating meth for breakfast, lunch AND dinner? Oh, and that he borrowed his dad's suit?

Don't get me wrong, there were definite highlights, the first of which is that Edward dumped the pea-coat. Ugh.

Secondly, I dared to wear the skinny jeans with the BOOTS OVER THE TOP OF THEM for the first time in public. (Up until now I've just walked around the house saying to myself, "What are you, a teenager? They just look stupid!") And then, rocking said look so hard that a complete stranger at the grocery store said, "I have to tell you; you just look so cute." Well, strange and forthright lady, thanks very much for making my whole night. Oh, and my hair was good. In Utah, I can actually pull off straight without too much work.

The next highlight was getting to hang with my sister and her friend. Though we were sitting next to half of Friend's Relief Society, I still felt a bit like we were out on the town.

Jacob's shoulders. Yes, Taylor Whats-his-name is probably on the juice/roids, but he really is kind of beautiful. His hours in the gym made for a shocking disappointment when Edward took off his shirt in some kind of weird suicide attempt. Apparently, Pattycakes is an adherent to the Kate Moss school of beauty. Right, we are doing highlights . . .

The supporting cast was good--Charlie's performance is spot-on and Bella's school friends are hilarious. I also liked the banter between the wolf-boys in Jacob's pack. Sam's fiance was perfect. The Volturi were good, and only outshined by their gorgeous city. I've always felt that this particular story really feels like two seperate stories. The life with Jacob and her bizarre Italy venture, but both settings were equally beautiful. The movie perhaps made that contrast between the two realities more understandable. Alice is perfectly adorable, of course.

The screenplay was true to the book, which is mostly a good thing (my own screenplay was rejected), but Meyer's best and most honest line from the whole book was left out. I can't even remember the context exactly, but Mike says to Bella that "girls are cruel." Bella's cruelty and her slow torture of Jacob is so apparent in this installment, particularly because of Taylor Thingy's very good performance. His anger and pain is much more compelling than Edward's Romeo complex and mumbled lines. Reading the books, I vacillated between Team Edward and Team Jacob and landed squarely with Team Darcy. After seeing New Moon, however, I have no more doubt about my loyalty. (Yes, yes, it is with Austen, but as far as the Twilight "Saga" is concerned, I'm all about Jacob.)

I won't do a lowlights section. All right, I changed my mind.

I nearly laughed out loud during several parts that weren't meant to be funny. This was not unlike the first movie. I wasn't alone in my laughter either. For example, Bella and Edward running through the sunlit forest looking as though they were headed for an Easter Egg Hunt. For two people meant to be uber-fast/strong/immortal/fabulous, they both run like they have two left legs. There were just moments during which I couldn't find that inner teenage girl. I wonder if I was ever that girl?

Did I mention Robert Pattinson's need to work out? Oh, yeah.

What about wanting to hurl rocks at Bella's head? That too, huh?

Why does Kristen Stewart flutter her eyes and shake her head when she gets emotional? ANY kind of emotional. Inquiring minds want to know. I want to know. Robert, personal trainer, check. Kristen, acting coach, check.

Who else thinks that Esme was wearing a Bumpits? (No, not Bum Pits. Check the link.)

I guess that is it then. The Christmas Day opening of Sherlock Holmes would be a blast. Robert Downy Jr. and Jude Law? Now THOSE are two men I'd like to choose between. Oh, and did anyone else see the preview for Writing Letters to Juliet? Now THAT is a romance movie set in Italy that I would LOVE to see. Who is up for a date?

New Moon Tickets

So is it called eating your words if you never actually bagged on the movie publicly? My sister called tonight to tell me that she has New Moon tickets for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. It disturbs me a little bit to realize how excited I am. I keep telling myself that it is more about the girl time than the movie itself.

In some ways I think I liked the the movie Twilight better than the book Twilight. I never really did a review because you've all heard enough of my views about Sister Meyer's success to not really give credit to anything I might say. If I'm too complimentary then all my prior criticism looks like sour grapes. And if I'm too critical then I just seem well, jealous.

I'm not saying I'm ready to run out to and get throw pillows for my bed with life-sized images of Robert Pattison's head or anything. I just want to go to the movies with my peeps and pretend for a couple of hours that entertainment is the thing that matters most.

Calling All Wannabe Editors

I have a new manuscript that I need some more eyes to look at. I am not going to post it on my other blog for a couple of reasons. Tabula Rasa didn't get the traffic or the feedback I had hoped for. Oh, several of you visited, and those of you who said anything about Abish: The Story of a Convert were very complimentary, thank you, but I think I was hoping for something else. Something constructive--a way to improve.

If you would like a copy of my new manuscript, here is what I'm looking for from this preliminary reader's circle:

1 - General feedback about what worked and didn't work, over all.
2 - Specific feedback about places in the novel that might be improved.
3 -I am not looking for someone to edit line by line, but if you find glaring mistakes, they should be brought to my attention.
4 - An honest opinion about the storytelling method and tone of the story.
5 - Title suggestions.

If you would be willing to do that without fear of hurting my feelings, (I really am getting tougher with this writing stuff) then here are a few specifics:

1 - I am only sending out the manuscript electronically. I don't have the software to create PDF files on my computer, so I would send it as a Word document. I would ask you very respectfully not to make changes to the actual manuscript, but instead to open a separate document (or written notes that could be scanned or typed later) to keep track of your comments, referencing pages or chapters.
2 - When you finish the manuscript and send me your feedback, I would ask you to delete my rough copy from your computer.

If you still manage to be interested after all of the above, then here are a few details about the novel itself so that you can decide if the material would even interest you:

1 - The epilogue of this story was written 12 years ago, so it is safe to say that I have given it a whole lot of thought. The chapters are told from shifting viewpoints; the whole story is only put together near the end. It mostly flows chronologically, but not entirely.
2 - It is essentially an LDS romance novel. I try to remind myself that such designation is a category and not a put-down, but it is hard to remember sometimes. If I seek publication for the story it will be through LDS publishers only. Thematically, I would have to really dismember it to make it appeal to a broader audience. I don't think you necessarily need to be a member of the LDS church to appreciate it, but a knowledge of LDS culture and standards would probably be helpful. The book assumes you already have some background.
3- It is hard for me to define exactly who the audience is. The main characters, through most of the story, are in their early twenties. Most of their coming of age stuff takes place as background information.
4 - The novel is actually quite entertaining. The Word document is 230 pages or so, but TamathyC finished it in mostly one sitting. Taking notes as you go will make your reading a bit more time consuming, but I'd like to think you will be compensated for your time.

Whew. If you have made it this far and want to sign up for a copy then leave a comment. If I don't already have your email address, then leave it in the comments section or e-mail it directly to me at scienceteachermommy (at) hotmail (dot) com. Best case scenario would be between five and ten readers, but having no idea what kind of response an exercise like this will gain I don't want to either have a threshold number or limit any interested parties.

This Is Just a Good Day

In the movie Charly, there is a montage moment of Sam's family enjoying a picnic in a glorious summer evening. Charly, new to such familial harmony says incredulously to Sam's mother, "Is it always like this?" His mother laughs, of course, and says, "Naw. This is just a good day."

I think life is like that. A lot of day to day just slogging away to put money in the bank, food on the table and knowledge into the kids. Even our spiritual lives get routine--go to church, do my calling, read my scriptures, yada, yada, yada.

And then, in the midst of the routine come these glorious bursts of sunrise moments that illuminate the whole purpose for being sent to earth. I once made a list of perfect days, and have even posted about them here from time to time. Halloween weekend was just such a time for us. I can't really say a day, because it was more of a 48 hour stretch, but it was perfect.

I'll do a brief recap here and give my excellent Father-in-law kudos for these fantastic pictures.

My oldest son was baptized the weekend of Halloween and my in-laws, my parents and my grandmother came into town to help us celebrate. We were a cozy bunch for a few days, but it was worth every minute. When everyone made it in by Friday afternoon, the first stop we made was at the apple orchard. This yearly tradition is a favorite of all the kids. We only picked enough apples to eat this year; we are still working our way through last year's applesauce.






After the pumpkin patch we went to PF Chang's. The kids were, well, how you expect them to behave at a restaurant! But at least I had the foresight to get a reservation so that we avoided waiting and waiting to be seated. My two year-old, overwhelmed with all the company, wouldn't leave mom's side voluntarily all weekend. I think he said mom or mommy 157 times, at least.

Saturday morning was Jedi Knight's baptism. He looked stellar in his birthday suit. Uh, that is, the suit we bought him for his birthday. We try not to leave the house in the other birthday suit. It was a special day, and despite eight kids to be baptized, the service was smooth and reverent, and done in just a little over an hour. It was a cool fall day, but not wet, so we were able to get some nice pictures in front of our stake center. I think these pictures will be memorable to Jedi both for the day, but also for the place. Where else but Oregon would you get your pictures taken in front of a veritable forest of Japanese maples? (Right, Japan.)

Family

Grandfathers

Grandmothers (and a brother who can't stand to be left out!)

Paternal Grandparents

Maternal Grandparents (and a brother that can't stand to be left out; look at him kissing up to grandma!)

Would be a 4 generation picture if Jedi's mother had been smart enough to hop in!

We worked very hard to do little of anything that Saturday. I went shopping with my mom, grandmother and mother-in-law. The girl time was very good for me. I reflected on what it might be like to have only boys, but then I realized that two of the relationships in our group were daughters-in-law. (My mom and myself.) I think when there is enough love and respect in a family, maybe it doesn't matter if you are related by blood.

After a big dinner of chili and chicken chowder and my mother's homemade bread sticks, we all settled in to watch the Oregon-USC game. I think most of the neighborhood did too; trick-or-treating didn't really pick up until half-time. (Go Ducks! What a fantastic game THAT was.) Eventually the Jedi couldn't be off any longer, and even the Youngling, who had resisted every prior attempt at costuming, had to get in on the fun. We found an old robe for him and a scrap from the big boy's robes for his waist.

Youngling trick or treating

Neighbor's pumpkins. Aren't they cool? Ours were a little bit weak in comparison. It is, after all, a competition.

Grandma reading to the little Jedi

How cool is THIS shot for Halloween?

The Jedi in full regalia. Jedi Knight on the left, Padawan on the right.

Yeah, I made those robes. I'm mother of the year. Well, not really, that award goes to my sweet and patient neighbor who talked me through them.

Sunday was a lovely day. I so seldom get to be in church with my parents anymore that those rare occasions are really so priceless. Plantboy gave Jedi Knight such a nice blessing during his confirmation and my heart was deeply touched. How blessed we are to have families!

My parents had to leave late Sunday afternoon in order to be in Utah for my dad's business Monday afternoon. My in-laws stayed a couple of days longer. The weather on Monday was beautiful and we spent the afternoon at the park.

Looking for planes

These little guys are constantly in motion and grandpa's camera had the shutter speed to keep up. I love the second. I almost think that Padawan can fly. It is amazing that kids survive childhood.

All in all, it was a weekend not to be forgotten. I'm grateful for so many wonderful things just now. As we enter the next phase--the big kid/tweenie phase of our child-rearing years--I have such a mixture of optimism and anxiety. I love my eight year-old more than ever and I appreciate that we are starting to be friends instead of just mother and son. I think this picture is a perfect snapshot of everything that transpired during the weekend. Thanks, Jedi, for coming to our family.

Segullah Guest Post

If you are trying to reach Science Teacher Mommy, I'll be out for the day. You can reach me here.

Mind the Gap

The comments from the last post, especially the CS Lewis quotes from The Screwtape letters, reminded me of a term I heard once in a talk given by Elder Maxwell. When I put the phrase "divine discontent" into a search on LDS.org, I actually came up with a few talks by Elder Maxwell in which he uses these words. I also found several other talks quoting Elder Maxwell relative to this idea.

So what IS divine discontent?

Here is Elder Maxwell's definition:

"It is left to each of us to balance contentment regarding what God has allotted to us in life with some divine discontent resulting from what we are in comparison to what we have the power to become."

We are taught to have hope in Christ and take joy in the journey. We are also taught to have faith and trust in the Lord that, if we do our part, the future will take care of itself. I think this is the contentment part. I think when we feel contentment with our life on the whole, and doing our cheerful best with whatever situation we find ourselves in, we are showing the Lord that we believe in Christ's ability to compensate for our shortcomings. We demonstrate understanding that it is Christ's atonement that saves us, not our OWN abilities.

And yet, by designating a type of discontent that is divine in origin, Elder Maxwell helps us understand the purpose of guilty feelings we get over little things that nag at us--poor habits, unfinished projects, wasting time, etc. Maybe our discontentment becomes "divine" when it causes us to look to what changes might be made inward. Discontentment that causes us to change our physical (outward) environment is perhaps less than divine.

I guess right now I'm trying to determine if my discontent is divine and pointing the way for what I need to work on next, or if my discontent is just thinly veiled ingratitude. I have felt for some time to be at a crossroads. I wish I could just commit without regret to my next course of action. This weekend at Jedi Knight's baptismal service (details later) I was asked to give a talk on the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I told the children that one of the most important tests of their lives would be figuring out how and what the Holy Ghost was communicating to them. Clearly, I need to start listening more closely.