Today I need encouragement.
I have a semester and a half left to go until I graduate.
Today I don't know how I will make it.
I pretty much want to crawl into bed and hibernate for the next six months.
This October might be the busiest I've ever had. When I sit down to work on my papers, I just want to lay my head down and sleep. My thoughts don't seem focused or coherent these days. I keep having all these bizarre thoughts. In my dreams I am frantic and constantly searching for something I cannot find, or I am perpetually late.
I've left no time for things I really want to do: things that make me feel good and charitable and whole.
I'm at a loss for what to leave out or delegate.
The rain. The election. The build up of massive amounts of work. The maleness of my surroundings. No time to write. Nobody to take my place.
And yet, saying it makes me feel so ungrateful. Today in the National Geographic I read a story about memories of sharecroppers in the eastern Arkansas during the Civil Rights era and before. Children in such abject poverty and treated with such cruelty . . . and I have the gall to say that I'm dealing with too much! I'm so very blessed in a world that is too often so ugly. Why, these days, is that not enough for me? I still feel that itching around the edges that wants to do something big and grand. And yet, at the moment, what I really want the most is to spend a day or two or seven in bed. Asleep. Impervious to dreams and troubles and contention.
If you have any stories to share about a time in your life that just seemed too hard but you somehow made it through I would love to hear them. Let me know what helped, what hurt, how you protected yourself. I am in desperate need of some perspective today.