The Light At the End of the Tunnel is a Train

This week is finals week. Not for my husband, for my family. You probably all remember how crazy your roommates acted during this melee of tests and final papers? Well, having a husband finishing school is no different. It has been completely nuts. I've looked over enough papers and projects this week to be an expert on water conservation. I'm not sure I even wanted to be.

If any of you have ever had spouses go back to school, or done it yourself with little ones, I have MUCH empathy. The committment is huge on everybody's part, and while plantboy's name will be on the diploma, I think scienceteachermommy is implied if you read between the lines.

On the up side, graduation is Saturday and now it is time for the easy part--finding a job!

A Word of Advice . . .

I just finished 3 Hostess Zingers. The raspberry ones with the coconut. If for any reason you ever feel compelled to do this, please reevaluate your taste. Upon evaluation, if your mind is unchanged, at the very least find two friends to share with.

Although I'm sure the pepperoni pizza pocket I started this repast with is not helping the gut-bomb I am now experiencing either.

Things I'm Thankful For

Okay, stole the title from DesMama, but I think she is on to something.

This week I realized something very powerful. It is a lesson that working full time has actually taught me. The last 18 months have been so busy that I've really had to strip away what is not essential and focus on what matters the most.

When we lived in a home, I spent a lot of time (and sometimes money) finding ways to "improve" it--pictures, paint, curtains, decor, etc. I think I did this sometimes for me, but probably more often for the approval of others. And while this stuff is fun and, to a degree, rewarding, I have realized that my happiness level is no different now than it was then. I live in an apartment with no dishwasher that I am grateful to have moderately clean one day in seven. My couches were purchased at a garage sale 7 years ago. My kitchen table was originally in a box at K-mart. Our bedroom furniture is from the classified ads, purchased before my marriage. I'll spare you any more details than this, but you are probably getting the picture.

But my kids are adorable and mostly really happy. I am thrilled for the hours I do get to spend with them each day and love watching them grow. I have a husband who is getting excellent grades and is a wonderful dad. He helps around the house without asking and never categorizes jobs as yours and mine. I never go to bed without a kiss and a cuddle. I love this faith-baby so much growing inside of me that at times I think I will burst for joy. I get along great with both my side and his side of the family; there is very little discord on that front.

I guess that this week I am most grateful for having learned to seperate the wheat from the chaff. Life is definitely not easy, and we are certainly dealing with our own set of trials (who isn't?), but I hope that I always remember the lessons learned from this difficult time in our lives. I hope I can always seperate as clearly as I have this holiday season relevance from irrelevance.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Saturday morning, Man Cub and the Poopy Pirate pulled all the blankets off the top bunk in their bedroom (which are there in lieu of a matress) and made a huge pile on the floor. Man Cub showed his brother how to jump off the coffee table into the pile yet. Not being two yet was no deterrent for the Poopy Pirate. He followed his brother right off the edge every time.

After about 10 minutes, Man Cub grew tired of the first game and organized the blankets into an "airplane." He, of course, was the pilot, but he commanded (he is really bossy) his brother to climb in behind him. Because he does everything the big brother tells him to do, the Poopy Pirate sat right behind him. Man Cub turns around and says, "Now, fasten your seat belt." Then, he pointed his finger right in his little brother's face and said, "And no smoking!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly fell off the couch laughing! Man Cub has had a lot of flight experience in his young life, but it has been a long time since he's gone anywhere. I couldn't think of any movies or books about airplanes that he has had exposure to recently. Nor have we talked about the Word of Wisdom really.

Fifteen seconds later, the Poopy Pirate bails out of the airplane to the screams of Man Cub who thought he would die. I turned to Plantboy and said, "Well, I guess he wasn't crazy about the non-smoking policy."

Don't even get me started on the extra verses we made to Follow the Prophet last night.

Letter to NG From a Concerned Reader

The whole point of the true evolutionary perspective is that evolution has no goal or object. There is no "intended" outcome. It is merely a series of random mutations that very occasionally produce advantageous results. Over millions of years complexity may result, but only if complexity presents clear survival advantages over being less complex.

In the first two pages of his article Zimmer once refers to nature as "thrifty" and then to evolution as "tinkering" with genes. A scientist quoted in the artricle refers to evolution as an "improviser." It may be a literary technique to endow non-human ideas with human characteristics, but it is not good evolutionary science. Only something intelligent has the capacity to be thrifty or the know-how to tinker or improvise.

In an effort to convince people that evolution is "so elegant, so beautiful, so simple," authors, and occasionally scientists alike, assign creator-like attributes to an idea. Maybe it is a deficiency in our language that causes this. Maybe it is an attempt to demystify science by robbing it of its precise language. Or maybe, just maybe, there is something deeper in us that cannot be explained by genetic markers and neurotransmitters. Maybe this essence of what it means to be human, this soul, is hungering for the simplest explanation of all. That there is indeed incredible Intelligence somewhere in this vast universe that did have a goal in mind.

Maybe it is this faith that will always warm and humanize us when science cannot.

A Moment to Ponder the Things of Eternity

I haven't blogged for a while; this month has been exceptionally busy. I know, and that makes me different than everyone else because . . . .?

I have had something I've been thinking about all week, however, that I meant to post sooner. It is still sitting in my head so I think I need to get it out. Last Sunday in Relief Society we talked about the sacrament. I don't really remember the details, but I had a really powerful thought while it was taught.

I think the Sacrament, as taught in the the church, is a perfect blend of mercy and justice. I have been to other churches were the sacrament, or communion, is pompous and overblown with high language and elaborate ceremony. There is such a heavy emphasis on death and the sin deeply inherent in each of us that mercy is almost strangled right out of the experience. On the other hand, I have been to churches where the sacrament is overlooked completely in exchange for loud music and feel-good talks about being forgiven: once we have confessed the Lord we are good to go even if we keep making lots of mistakes. There is such heavy emphasis on mercy that the justice of God is mocked.

The irony is that the underlying (false) doctrine in these two opposed practices is actually the same. The idea that man is so sinful he cannot change. In the more "traditional" churches this idea is practically beaten into parishoners until they feel so low that God scares them to death; in the more "modern" churches this idea is used to excuse every disgusting behavior. God knows how we are! Just try again next week--no worries! Adherents don't feel low, in fact, they feel so high that they could never do anything wrong again, no matter how bad their true actions are.

But in the true church we say that the commandments are important. Vitally important. Without eventually learning to keep them in every respect, and discipline every un-Godlike action, thought and deed we cannot have the life that God has. On the other hand, we recognize that this expectation is HARD, and nobody can achieve perfection now. So, in the meantime, as long as we approach God in sincerity, desiring to change our hearts, he allows us to yoke our burdens to the Savior so that we might feel, in quiet moments, the feeling of perfection, no matter how fleeting it is. This momentary glimpse of eternity gives us the hope and faith to keep trying even when it is hard.

The LDS sacrament with its emphasis on trying to remember the Savior's atonement while striving to be like him in every respect achieves the perfect balance between justice and mercy. Will works or mercy save us? The religions of the world and the wise men of theology can argue it until they are blue in the face. The truth is that both are needed. It is the only approach that allows us to understand the scriptures or to begin to understand our Father's personality. And how vital it is to try and see things from God's perspective. Didn't Jesus himself say, "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee; the only true God and Jesus Christ whom thou has sent."
How grateful I am for a God who provided a way for us to learn from our mistakes without being eternally punished for them. And how grateful I am to our Elder Brother who agreed that he would be the one. In the war in Heaven He stepped up with the best idea, the idea He knew was in keeping with the prinicples of eternity and the priesthood, but He had a better grip than any of us on how hard it would be. So to make it fair He did the only thing that could make it all work--he agreed to live perfectly and then be killed for it. By saving himself first with his perfect obedience he could then save all of us.

Sorry for the preaching to the choir. I am sure most of you have probably thought this through start to finish before and I'm the one behind the eight ball. It is just so easy to get caught up in the day to day triviality of our life that we forget what we are working and fighting so hard to become . . . to help our children become. May we all smile a little brighter this week for the knowledge of the Savior's love. His love for me, a stressed out teacher with too many students and not enough hours in the day. For my children in their glorious, struggling innocence. For my husband who is worried about finishing his graduation requirements and finding a job while trying to be a full-time dad. And for you. Whatever your difficulty may be this week, this month, this year, He suffered for your pain too. Take it to His feet and together you will work on a way to find relief.

I'm Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Except I do know when I'll be back again. Tuesday afternoon. I'm headed to DC for the weekend. My baby brother lives there and is going to medical school. My mom needed a traveling companion and we are treating ourselves. I feel terrible about leaving Plantboy, but after the fiasco we had trying to get our kids to eat dinner tonight I feel no qualms about having a little space from The Preschooler (from here on out called ManCub) and The Toddler (from here on out called the Poopy Pirate--a nickname given by ManCub). I'm going to owe Plantboy big time. I think the whole, "but I'm supporting you through school thing," is not going to cut it through this favor.

I must admit . . .

Okay, I just have to say it. I love the television show L O S T. What started as a mild curiosity about 18 months ago has just about turned into a full blown obsession. I haven't started visiting fan sites yet or anything too strange, but I feel compelled to send this message out into the void and say "What is your fettish?"

I've had others. In high school it was Batman. I watched the cartoons every afternoon on FOX when I got home. I was really into shoes for a while, but shoes are expensive. For a few years it was CSI that I never missed an episode of, but then it just got too creepy. There is the nearly constant urge to write and read that wans at times but never fully leaves me. Chocolate, of course, is nearly impossible to resist. When buying something new, my first thought is always, "Does it come in blue?"

So, come on bloggers! Share, share.

Opposites repel

One day in July, my boys could not stay away from each other all. The toddler was constantly after the preschooler to play with him and then, as is the horror of every mother of boys, they began wrestling. Why not? They do it with Daddy, why not each other? Thus began a new era in our lives. Our siblings can be best friends at time, and they always wonder where the other is when one is missing, or they can act like bitter enemies.

The toddler has always been one to want a lot of attention; the preschooler has always played solo. The toddler wants to be grown up; the preschooler wants the attention the baby gets. The toddler fights dirty; the preschooler cannot understand why kidney punches are then not fair.

The baby has taken 21 1/2 months of pent up frustration out on his brother these past weeks. He is also dangerously close to two. Tantrums, thankfully short-lived, are always lurking near the surface and triggers are becoming more and more common. The older is learning this but sometimes deliberately provokes the younger; the younger loses it and begins hitting repeatedly or throwing the nearest object he can find; the older child's repsonse is then to tattle, having never really dealt with sibling issues (and truthfully, he has never been one to defend himself too vigorously).

For 18 months we lived in relative peace, the kids having little to do with each other. Suddenly, they like the same things and as they try to learn to play with one another it seems that we will end up with many bruises and tears. And that is just Scienceteachermommy!

Today, Waterboy (my hubby), had to take ALL of the trains away from the pair because of the incessant fighting. For those of you that know us you will probably say the train removal is more punishing to the parents than the children. Still, something had to be done.

I can hear the laughter from all you mothers of many out there. It serves us right after all the years in the blissful la-la land of one child, but I have to honestly say HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! Any suggestions for encouraging sibling harmony would be welcome.

Could We Get a Fact-checker Here Please?

I assigned my 7th graders a research paper last week. They each chose their own (probably my first mistake) scientific question to research. I have learned many knew things in the course of my grading. For example, did you know that although greenhouse gasses are somehow killing the rainforest, they are actually good for the earth because they keep making it warmer and warmer; or that jeans are responsible for your eye color? One student wanted to know how a computer worked and came up with a very profound answer--YOU PLUG IT IN. I further learned that the Pacific Ocean is a mere 64 square miles. I think it should definitely be considered as one of the legs for the next Iron-man Triathalon.

Oh friends, love your children! They will keep saying hilarious stuff for a LONG time.

My nearly five year old was walking very strangely tonight. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me that he was missing some of his bones. Lately he is fascinated by his perfect skeleton, transistor stations for electricity and how anything is made. Yesterday in the car he asked me how CD's were made. I've never been so grateful for my science background as I have been the last few months.

My scientific question for research: How does a lumpy mass of fermented milk, sugar and flour produce such delicious bread? I guess more taste-testing is needed. I still don't have any takers on a start. Desmama?

Your House Will Explode if You Don't Pass It On

On Sunday I got a "start" for some Amish friendship bread. I've heard of this; I even think my mother has made it, but I'm not sure about it. On my counter there is a concotion of fermenting flour, milk and sugar in a large Ziploc baggie that I am supposed to be mushing every day, as well as venting so the exhaling bacteria don't explode the bag. On day five (today) I added more flour, milk and sugar. I attempted to open the bag while my husband was sitting nearby eating chips and salsa. He threatened divorce if he was anywhere near when the bag was opened. I waited, unsure of the smell that would exude forth when new ingredients were added.

In five more days I actually get to make the bread. It is called bread, but the recipe seems a whole lot more like cake to me. The sugar content alone might be enough to send my family to the dentist on day 11.

So I have a few questions about the whole Amish friendship bread thing. Maybe somebody out there can answer: Why is it a gesture of friendship to give somebody a bag of rotten milk that sits for a week and a half on their counter? Did the Amish actually start this? The recipe tells me that it is unwise to give away all my starts (as you begin to make the recipe you divide up the stinky bag into four parts and make a gift of two of them), because if I do, I cannot make one from scratch. Apparently only the Amish can do that. So, here we are in Utah. If it was started by the Amish, are there particles in this bag and that are months, nay, years old? Is it called friendship bread because all ten of your friends like you better after you put on ten pounds because of eating several slices of 10,000 calorie bread every ten days? And lastly, will something happen to me if I don't pass it on? Is this like a chain letter (give to 2 people and six months you'll get 500 loaves of bread from all of the world)? Or a pyramid scheme (I sign up two women and somewhere some little Amish lady gets an electric oven)?

Please, anyone with experience with Amish bread giving and getting, let me know.

These things come in threes

Major brake job last May. The muffler fiasco in mid August.

Did you know that when a radiator cracks and sprays fluid on your windshield it smells exactly like maple syrup?

And Washed the Spider Out

There is a spider living at the bottom of the metal stairs that lead up to my apartment. He doesn't hide the way some spiders do, but hangs out right in the middle of his web waiting with his legs spread wide letting the sun bake him. Every time I walk on that step I stomp really hard just to watch him scramble. I feel very Rogeresque in the sadistic pleasure I take from his hasty retreat. (A brownie point to whomever figures out THAT literary illusion.)

But today I paused for just a moment when I did it. What is that like for the spider? Does he just feel the motion, or does he also hear the sound? Do spiders hear? And when he feels the vibration or hears the sound does he think or does he just react? And how does he know he is moving away from the source of the fear instead of toward it?

I wondered some portion of this thought aloud to my hubby as we lugged the children into the house. He said nothing for a moment and I wondered if I actually had spoken aloud or if such a thought wasn't worth a reply. He put the baby down and said, "Leading a solitary life, forever on the prowl, that is what it is like for the spider." And, I'm telling the truth here, I heard the barest hint of longing in his voice. I think there is some part in every man, probably every WOman too, that resists taming.

But what makes us like the spider? When we somehow find the will deep inside to keep going up the drain even as the rain washes us out time and time again. There is an eternal hope that the sun will come back out.

In the mean time, I'm going to keep stomping on that step. Opposition makes us stronger.

I can tell that we are gonna' be friends

If you have ever lived in student housing, you understand what economy living is. As such, there is no air conditioning in our apartment. So although I am sitting here sweating behind my knees and melting into the keyboard, I will attempt to work my way through the fog to tell about Back to School Night.

The school I teach at is unusually configured--only 6th and 7th graders. Our campus is split evenly between elementary teachers and secondary teachers, and there is much to learn from the variety of philosophies and backgrounds floating around. Last night I met many of my 7th graders and tonight I got to help register the 6th graders.

It is funny to hear kids spend the whole month of August complaining about going back to school and the end of summer blah . . . blah. . . blah . . . but then, they show up at BTSN totally outfitted in their new trainers and clothes with their hair expertly spiked or straightened. They greet their friends so joyfully you'd think they'd been parted for years. They bring magnets and mirrors and mini-posters of Orlando Bloom to decorate their lockers with. All the time they are effusing emotion, they are trying to maintain the practiced look of indifference--particularly in front of their parents.

At least, this is how the 7th graders behave.

The sixth graders (ranging in height from 4 feet to 5 feet 8 inches) on the other hand, walk into the school with nervous glances around at every kid who passes, fearful that they might actually be looking into the face of one of the dreaded 7th graders. They cling to their parents with eyes wide and anxious.

Tonight I helped assign lockers to various kids. A very simple process made complicated by reading a schedule to make sure they are in the right line to begin with. I could see the kids study the little sticker pounded in their student planner as they rabidly tried to memorize the three numbers, paranoid of forgetting or finding themselves with a minute before class and unable to open it. No doubt, many of these children strutted their elementaries with bravado and style just two and a half short months ago, but not today. Today they are part of the mindless crush wandering the halls of a very average sized middle school in an attempt to make some sense of this horrible thing called puberty.

It struck me tonight, and not for the first time, why I have chosen to teach middle school. No doubt the content of a high school biology or environmental science class would be more challenging and interesting, but as much as I love science I think I must love kids more. Working with 7th graders is somehow therapeutic. I think I am trying to make reparations for a very difficult year and a half in my own life. As I look back on the middle of sixth grade to the middle of eighth grade there are so few bright spots that it is hard to believe I even had existence then.

Of the bright memories, two involve teachers. I will share one and then close tonight. I was a 7th grader who loved to dance and read. But it wasn't cheerleading or reading The Babysitter's Club. No, then I may have had a place to belong. I did classical ballet with a teacher who insisted on dignity and discipline; I read books like Of Mice and Men and Oliver Twist FOR FUN. No, I was not popular. Although I think I probably once had been because I could see that I was on the fringe of a group who seemed to have a lot of friends and be in the middle of everything. I was stuck on the outside with a sickening realization that I didn't actually know anybody out there. I wasn't pretty enough or built enough or rich enough or mindless enough to get back inside. A part of me I hardly dared express to anybody was actually fearful of getting back inside such a group. I thought I had no where to go. And then! A miracle.

A kind teacher who saw more potential in me than I saw in myself encouraged me to try out for a play. Coming from a sportsy family, I wasn't even sure of the procedure for getting into a musical. But I could dance and there was a dance audition. I made it. Again, I think it was the teacher who believed there was more to me than met the eye. I became one of only a handful of 7th graders in the cast and found a niche. Despite setbacks and only an average talent when it came to singing and acting--I was a part of a every play my junior high and high school put on from then on. I had a place.

Wherever Mrs. Stettler is, I would be fairly certain that she has forgotten me. But I hope that her years and years of teaching have been rewarding to her and that she is blessed every day for the good she sent into the world. I could write a list here that spanned another paragraph or two, but their names will mean little. So instead, on this hot, dark night I send out a message asking you to take a moment to remember a teacher who meant the world to you because they showed the world to you. If you can, find a way to actually thank that person instead of just virtually. And if you cannot, then find a 12 year old to be kind to. They really need it.

No Kids for a Day

Funny, isn't it, how easy it is to revert to the life you once knew? I will be without my kids until Saturday evening. You know all those projects you want to get to, but never can? I'm deep cleaning my house and organizing my piles of too much stuff. I rented a chic flick and went out for pizza. Tonight I think I will take a hike and/or go to the temple. I might even go tanning (as long as we are sharing guilty pleasures, that is one of mine).

I'm really supposed to be getting ready to go back to school in a few days, and I suppose I am a little bit, but the freedom to stay up late, and then in turn sleep late is so rare that I can't stop myself from taking advantage of it.

I know that in a day or so I will begin to miss their happy little faces with a sharp ache, but I'm only on day three and I'm not quite there yet. I suppose I should say something self-deprecating here like, "I guess I'm a bad mother." But I don't think I am. I'd like to think that I am typical.

So to all you mothers out there: if you are between little ones (i.e. no nursing infants) find somebody you trust to take the kids for overnight--husband, mother, sister, best friend--and take an overnight trip all by yourself. Shop at the most expensive mall you can find and treat yourself to a wonderful dinner, spend the night at one of those overnight scrapbook lodges with your friends, go to the ballet or a play, sit at a coffee shop all day with a huge hot chocolate and book. Or, send hubby and the kidlets on an overnight trip and then do all those house projects you never can get to. Maybe if we take a little time for ourselves occasionally we will be better mothers on the other end.

Hug a Trucker Day

For reasons too complicated to be worth mentioning, I found myself driving from Denver to Utah by myself today. I left at five o'clock this morning and was making GREAT time. If you have ever driven across Wyoming, you know that there is the slightest sigh of relief as you approach each "city." There is a feeling of having once again safely encountered civilization. I was driving through the dead zone between Laramie and Rawlins (about 100 miles of nothing but windmills and sagebrush) when the unthinkable happened. There was a loud clunk and an chilling scrape coming from under my car.

(Aside--the clunk sounded exactly as if it came from the location where my husband said the muffler seemed it was going bad. PLEASE do not ask why I failed to get the car to a mechanic before the road trip. Suffice it to say that when you own two cars with over 100,000 miles each, you try to only make ONE trip to the mechanic a week. We'd already met our quota.)

I slowed quickly and pulled over to the shoulder, put on the hazards and got on all fours to look at the undercarriage. I would like to say that I didn't swear, but remember, I was alone. The kids are with daddy. The part of the muffler that actually connects to the engine in the center of the chassis was on the ground, smoking hot. Now remember, I am in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest city. Oh, yeah, and my husband had the cell phone.

My choices were bleak--try to flag somebody down (and end up murdered) or drive, on the shoulder, at about ten miles an hour, all the way to Rawlins so that the sparks from the muffler didn't cause the car to explode. Nice.

Just before utter panic could set in, a semi-truck pulls over to the side of the road and puts on its hazards. I'm thinking, "Okay, maybe I will be murdered before I even get a chance to flag someone down." Sure enough, the truckdriver gets out and begins walking toward me. At least, I think he is a truck driver--he was young, wearing flipflops and abercrombie shorts with a vintage rock tee-shirt. I think I said something really friendly like, "Hey dude, thanks for stopping." Dude?

Well, my car was full of stuff (I was actually moving from Colorado to Utah), some of which belonged to my sister-in-law who is moving to go to college. I guess he thought it was all my stuff because he started chatting me up like a 19-year old coed. Maybe it was just his personality, his friendly, flirtatious banter changed very little when I told him about my husband and two children. Anyway, his suggestion was to take the muffler off completely. Um . . . okay? Before I could really answer, he was under the car yanking at the part that was actually still attached.

Removing the muffler seemed like a better option than being the victim of a violent crime or going down in a fiery inferno, so I agreed by not saying anything. After several minutes, and the use of the leatherman I carry in my purse (I know, McGyver would be proud), there was one more rusty piece of scrap metal on the side of the road in Wyoming.

About mile marker 270 if you are looking for a used muffler . . . .

The drive home was very noisy as there wasn't a shop in Wyoming that could do the fix before FRIDAY. So I just turned up the radio. The result, seven hours in the car later, is a ringing in my ears and head that I hope subsides tomorrow.

Despite my setbacks, I have to say that this day to myself has been very refreshing and unique in the life of a mother. I could stop as often or as seldom as I wanted. And I drove VERY fast. But the best part was singing as loud as I wanted to MY music--Keith Urban, Trisha Yearwood (FOUR albums worth), Matchbox 20, Midnight Oil, Kim Ritchey, Martina McBride, Keith Urban. Oh, yeah, I mentioned him. Well, while we are at it, lets christen today as "Hug a cute Aussie Musician Day" also.

That is enough blogging for my first day; it is actually pretty frightening how easy this is. I have thought for a while about starting one, but I didn't think I had anything interesting to say, and maybe I still don't. Perhaps this message is my feeble attempt to send some kind of thankyou out to Luis the truckdriver from Miami who unwittingly answered a very sincere, foxhole prayer today.